A message from Wolf…

I am trying my hardest to give away all my worries to God or the universe if that’s what you believe in.

Giving my worries away frees my mind, and I can live in the moment and be a happier person.

Worrying gets in the way of the Buddhist’s way of thinking: to live in the moment. Easier said than done.

I know I can say, “I give all my worries away,” but listing them one by one helps me let each one go, like balloons.

One day, I reached enlightenment when I was nine years old. This was just before my world turned upside down when my mother turned on me.

I may have told this story before, but I’ll tell it again. I was sitting in religion class at my Catholic school. It was in the afternoon, and it was raining outside.

Our third-grade desks formed a letter U with Sister Cornelia’s desk in the opening of the U. I remember every detail down to who I was sitting next to.

Sister was droning on about something and loving God. I focused on the word love in my head. I had a gentle gaze.

That’s when I felt it. During that moment, I was all-knowing of everything, and I felt so much love. It was the most incredible feeling I’ve ever experienced.

People strive for enlightenment their whole lives. I was an innocent child without a worry in the world and came upon it without trying.

When I returned to reality, I had no idea how long that feeling of enlightenment lasted.

I never told a soul about my experience until exploring my spiritual gifts a few years ago.

So now about the wolf piece of this post, I don’t get to pick and choose when I can journey; most times, I can’t.

Whenever I do get to journey, it’s usually to the lower world, and there is always a power animal waiting for me to give me a message.

The message is always right. Different animals have different messages. My main lifetime power animal is still turtle.

On Tuesday afternoon, while meditating, I saw that familiar portal to the other worlds. Even in non-ordinary time, I get excited every time it happens.

It took me to a different place in the lower world, a place I had never been before, or so I thought.

A powerful force pulled me to a path heading into a dark and scary forest. Even in journeys, I was like, “Oh shit, shit, shit.” I knew what I was in for.

I walked further into the forest; it kept getting darker. I stopped suddenly because I felt something staring at me.

This is what Wolf looked like in the forest.

I was afraid to look to my left, but I did. I saw a pair of eyes squinting at me. I didn’t move until the animal began stalking me.

It was a wolf, and I started running as fast as possible. He was right on my heels until I came to a break in the forest.

I knew this place. The wolf walked ahead of me and sat down next to a rock. A rock I sat on in another life.

I like looked out at the large lake which was very peaceful, and I knew it was loaded with fish. I sat beside the wolf and asked, “So what’s up?”

His face was gentle now, but he said nothing except I am here as a message, and with that, I was back in ordinary time.

The funny thing about me having Wolf as my power animal is I’ve always resonated with wolves and the moon.

I’ve had a strong urge to howl at the moon for as long as I can remember. When I do howl at a full moon, I’m almost always alone but have howled with other crazy people.

I’ve told many people I feel like a werewolf during the full moon, getting so hyped up and not being able to sleep before and after the full moon.

I love to stare at the moon in all its phases, it’s so beautiful.

Back to my journey, I am always bewildered by a journey until I do some investigating. I looked up, having a wolf for a power animal.

I read through what it said quickly; then it came to wanting freedom. At first, I didn’t understand.

I read another site’s meaning of wolf energy, and that’s when I got the message that was right on the money.

I want freedom from worrying about money, finances, our business, my sons, my health, and Marty’s.

Will I ever reap any harvest in this lifetime or continue to work like a dog for the rest of my life?

I want freedom to take time for myself and time with Marty. Then I got back to thinking about the Buddhist monks reaching or trying to reach enlightenment.

Buddhist monks have very little to no worries. They have a free place to live and healthy food to eat. They don’t punch a clock but do chores around the monastery.

They aren’t judged or put down for their work. They don’t have anyone else to be responsible for.

They don’t have bills, a government, and a healthcare system.

They don’t live in fear of war or have inflation, which is a huge problem for so many people right now, us included.

They aren’t living in a shit show of a world like we are.

They have themselves, yet at nine, I achieved what they have dedicated their lives to.

My message from Wolf is a powerful one that made me stop and think. I’m still figuring out how to use his message daily.

If you haven’t read my blog posts about “my gifts” and are interested in what I am talking about, you can go to the search area and type in my gifts.

Thanks again for being on my journey with me. Happy Friday, guys.

For better or for worse…

October 21, 1989

Two weeks ago, Marty said the nicest thing that meant the world to me. We’ve been together since 1985; 38 years later, he still gives me the butterflies and surprises me with the little things in life.

If you know anything about me, I don’t sugarcoat things, to say our relationship is all sunshine and roses; it’s not. It’s a marriage.

Sometimes, I want to hit him over the head with a frying pan or wring his neck, but we always talk it out and make up a couple of hours later. 

We have never gone to bed mad at each other. It’s a lot of give and take, the fine art of compromising.

You can’t throw in the towel, folks, when things get tough; that’s the for better or for worse part of most wedding vows. Marriage is work. Period.

A toast to us.

When couples stand before a priest, rabbi, justice of the peace, or ordained minister, they say those words but have no idea what they are in for down the road. It is all sunshine and roses at that moment, so enjoy it.

For the last 28 years, it’s been up to me to figure out what in fucks name to make for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It is not an easy task that is daunting and never-ending. It was even more challenging when the boys were growing up.

One hot night, when I was exhausted and didn’t feel like cooking, Marty said, “It shouldn’t always be your job to figure out what to make for dinner.” What??? Did I hear right?

After he uttered those words, I could imagine a choir of angels singing like in a TV commercial. I was so stunned and happy. I ran over, kissed him on the cheek, and hugged him. This is a game-changer, people!  

Last week, when I came home exhausted from a long day of work and dance classes, Marty had dinner and a caffeine-free rum and coke with a lemon wedge waiting for me. It was so good, and I didn’t have to make it!

This was such a sweet thing, and I appreciated it. Until now, I would come home, drag in groceries, put them away, and then reheat something I made after production before I left for Bennington.

When I didn’t have time to make something ahead, I would whip something together; those nights, we didn’t eat until after 9 pm. 

Tuesday night, we discussed what we could have on dance night. We decided on cubano sandwiches made from leftover pork and leftover hot-crash potatoes.

Look at Nelly in the bottom right corner. I am so thrilled relaxing with my cocktail. ❤️

When I got home last night, Marty had everything ready to make the sandwiches, the flattop grill was hot, and a rum and coke waiting for me. 🤗

I watched him make our cubano sandwiches while sipping my drink and telling him about my day. We were done eating at 9 pm. How wonderful! Honestly, it’s so enjoyable now when I get home late from dance.

Marty may not know how happy this makes me. We are business partners; now I feel like we are swans, life partners, sharing responsibilities at home, like we do at work.

One of my favorite photos of us was taken by my sister Jennifer.

Marriage is ever-evolving; we are in it for the long haul, for better or for worse, through good times and bad. 

We’ve had our share of both and are always there for each other; we are very blessed, indeed. 💞

Have a great day. I’m off to work. 

Turning “scraps” into something…

Last year, I wrote a blog post titled Lazy Man’s Lobster. Our friend Martin, who is a professional chef turned private chef, gave me lobsters that were leftovers from a dinner party he cooked for his employer.

He said the lobsters were on their last legs, and I needed to cook them that day, which I did, and boy, were they good!

This morning, Martin called me and told me he was giving me leftover parts of a whole beef filet; he wouldn’t use it, and it would rot in his fridge. I quickly said, OK!

Martin walked over from across the street and told me it needed to be cleaned. I never cleaned a beef filet before, but I had no doubt I could do it. I’ve been practicing butchering all sorts of proteins for a couple of years.

Later in the day, I began cleaning the filet. I knew Martin used the center portion of the filet, which makes for uniform steaks. He didn’t use the “head or tail,” which was what I was left with.

This is what a whole beef filet looks like. I got both the end pieces.

I removed all the fat and connective tissue, then I put what I ended up with into four piles; garbage, dog food for Klaus, three small bright red filet mignon, and the small bits of bright red trimmings.

I tied the three filet mignon steaks with butcher twine so they formed a perfect circle. The pieces were about and inch and a half thick. I patted them dry, seasoned them with salt, and put them on a cooling rack uncovered in the fridge.

This is not my photo; it’s a Pinterest image, but this is exactly what my steaks looked like.

This technique dries the beef so you can get a great sear on your meat. It really works! The steaks sat in the fridge for around five hours.

Next, I started a pot of stew for Klaus because it was a shame to get rid of the meat that turned slightly gray since last night. I seared the beef pieces and added baby carrots and celery to the pot. I added dried rosemary, thyme, and water. I let it braise for 3 hours.

I minced the small bits of beef, threw it in a bowl, and got into the fridge immediately. I knew I wanted to make French classic beef tartar; I’ve had beef tartar at a German Fest at the Garden State Art Center when I was a kid, but never made it before or had a classic French tartar.

Since I only had a small amount of minced beef, I had to improvise the ingredients I found in one of my French cookbooks. After I made the egg mixture, I put it into the refrigerator with the minced beef.

I would be mixing the tartar à Ia menuet, which means at the last minute in French. I got out a cookie round that I would use to form the tartar on our plates.

I decided to make a small French bistro salad with a simple classic vinaigrette. I made the vinaigrette in a small jar and put it aside. I tore bits of romaine lettuce and put them into a bowl, popped it into the fridge, and quick-pickled a little red onion. I would assemble at serving.

I thought about what I wanted to top the filet mignon with, which isn’t as flavorful as other steaks but tender as hell. Chefs usually top with one of the French mother sauces or compound butter.

I was craving bearnaise sauce, but I had the brilliant idea of making a bearnaise compound butter. When I tasted the bearnaise butter, I said out loud, well, holy shit, it does taste like bearnaise sauce!

I was tickled pink since bearnaise is a pain in the ass to make, and now I didn’t have to make one but will get the same flavor.

The other day, I picked up a package of parsnips. Martin made parsnip puree as a side for his dinner one night; it was my best bite of 2019. I’ve duplicated his recipe many times, which he finds flattering but always says, “fuck you, Julz,” whenever I tell him I made it. 😂

For the parsnip puree, I cut the parsnips into small pieces. I add them to a saucepan with two crushed cloves of garlic, a knob of butter, and milk to almost cover the parsnips and finish with a touch of cream.

I brought them to a slow simmer and covered them. I let them simmer for twenty minutes or so. After my timer went off, I poked them with a fork to check for tenderness. I moved them off the heat and put the lid back on, setting it aside.

I put the parsnips and liquid into a food processor. I let it process for five minutes. I tested the puree for a velvety smooth texture. I tasted and adjusted the seasoning. I put the puree back into the pot and kept it warm.

Just looking at what I wrote, I know some of you are thinking what a whack job I am, spending my only day off in the kitchen. Experimenting and making dishes for the first time is a learning experience.

Prepping and cooking are my zen. I love to cook elegant and delicious meals, even if it is only for Marty and myself. The more I cook, the better I get at it.

I mixed the beef tartar and plated it. I quickly dressed the lettuce and thinly sliced pickled red onion and vinaigrette. I tossed it with my hand and tasted it for seasoning; I added salt and pepper and placed it next to the tartar on the plate.

I served this as a first course. My plate looked stunning. I realized this was the first photo I took. I was annoyed with myself for not taking photos of prepping the beef. I know why I didn’t; I would have to wash my hands over and over to pick up my iPhone.

This course was something right out of a Paris or French bistro. I wouldn’t change a thing. The tartar was tender and very flavorful; the vinaigrette and the pickled red onion did their job by cutting through the richness of the tartar, making it a well-balanced dish.

Now comes the moment of truth, cooking the filet mignons a perfect rare. I knew if I went past the internal temperature of 120 degrees, they would be overcooked. Meat continues to cook while it rests, raising the temperature as high as 5-7 more degrees.

I did not want to fuck these babies up. I reminded myself I’ve cooked steaks perfectly for years; why would today be any different because it’s an expensive cut of beef?

I got my blue steel pan as hot as possible with the flame on high. I salted and peppered the steaks; then, I added a swirl of canola oil. I added the steaks, pressing them down to make good contact with the pan. This creates a maillard reaction or a beautiful crust.

A Pinterest image that looked like my steaks.

I waited 2-3 minutes and checked the sear on the meat; it was perfect. I flipped them over and seared the other side for another 2 minutes. I seared the sides of the steaks and checked the temperature.

Yikes, they were at 120 degrees. I got them out of the pan quickly and let them rest. Shit, it’s a good thing I checked the temp when I did. I hate overcooked beef, especially ones that should be rare/medium rare, according to French chefs.

I set the steaks on a plate and added the compound butter to the still-hot pan. I twirled the pan, melting the butter. I began to smell the vinegar, shallots, and finally, tarragon. I was drooling; it smelled so wonderful.

We usually eat our steaks medium rare, but for filet mignon, we like them done rare. They were not RAW like Gordon Ramsey screams at chefs.

I plated the filet mignon, then I drizzled some of the melted bearnaise butter on top. I added a dollop of parsnip puree, and viola! Dinner was served.

Our dinner was incredibly delicious; the steak melted in your mouth, it was so tender, and the parsnips? They were sexy af; so smooth and velvety.

I was very pleased with what I created. I love cooking familiar comfort food, but teaching myself to cook fine dining dishes without a recipe is a big accomplishment for me. I added another two notches to my cooking apron yesterday. 🤗

Change of seasons…

My life has changed remarkably since having pneumonia and being diagnosed with interstitial lung disease.

Ever since I was little, summer was my favorite season. We were out of school; I could swim in our small, above-the-ground pool, which felt like an Olympia-sized pool when I was nine.

I really loved summer when I was a teenager. Being out of school and my house was vital. When I was 15 & 16, I worked as a summer camp counselor at a YMCA and as a lifeguard. It was fun with lots of cute boys at the Y. 

As I got older, I would go down the with my girlfriends. Every year, I got to stay at someone’s family’s place or chip in for a shorehouse. It was great being away, even though I had to call my mother from a payphone every night to check-in.

I called her early, long before the partying started. My mother would lay a guilt trip on me. While she was talking, I wasn’t listening; instead, I was puffing away on a cigarette, deciding what I would wear that night and where to eat.

For the record, I quit smoking in ’93 when we tried to get pregnant and never picked up another cigarette. I haven’t smoked for 30 years. Nothing makes me want to punch someone more when they find out I have lung disease and ask if I smoke. Mind your own fucking business, Karen!

Those were the days, laying on the beach, getting tan in our tiny bikinis, wearing our high heel Candie’s shoes while walking the boards, eating boardwalk food, flirting with guys, and drinking our asses off. It was so much fun!

Of course, I thought of Edith and Archie singing, “Those were the days,” imitating their voices in my head after I wrote that last paragraph. Also, for the record, I love doing impressions of people.

When Marty and I were dating, I went down the shore with him every Saturday & Sunday morning. He was a DJ at a club three nights a week until 2 a.m., so he looked forward to catching some zzz’s on the beach.

Back then, he had a white Alfa Romeo convertible. We would fly down the Garden State Parkway with the top down and grab a quick breakfast to-go, usually donuts and coffee. 

We got to the beach super early to have the beach to ourselves before the droves of assholes showed up. You know, the ones who have the whole damn beach to pick where to sit, and they would plot their stupid asses right in front of us, blocking our view of the ocean.

We would move, and I would mutter strings of curse words the whole time. We would leave before the busiest time of the day to avoid the people and the horrific shore traffic on the way home. 

A 20-30 minute drive to the shore could take hours coming home if you didn’t plan it right. Traffic and my mother were the reasons we left NJ and moved to Vermont. True story.

When our kids were small, I was a stay-at-home mom; I would pack lunches, snacks, drinks, extra clothes, blankets & towels, beach toys, my chair, and a bunch of other shit for the day. 

We would get to the lake around 10:30 a.m. and not leave until close to 5 p.m. Marty worked a lot to support us, and he spent time at the rescue squad, so there was no rush to go home.

When I returned to work, it was at the kids’ schools as the Food Service, culinary instructor, and lunch lady. I still had the summers off and took the kids to the lake or other places whenever possible.

Then, the kids grew up, and I worked two jobs seven days a week for several years. At one job, I worked outside at a hotdog wagon, so at least I got to be outside. You have to do what you have to do; I was lucky enough to have all those summers with my boys. 

We got our pool three years ago this month. I loved laying on my floating lounge in the sun and relaxing. I blocked everything out and would focus on the warmth of the sun and rolling off my lounge chair when I got too hot.

I could take myself back to when I was 11 or 12 when I used to do the same thing; the only thing different was not having to listen to my mother yell at the other kid they adopted, who behaved horribly and lied about everything.

Then, I became ill this past winter, and everything changed. I found out I couldn’t take the summer heat; I sweated all the time. On humid days, I couldn’t breathe. The Canadian wildfires made matters even worse.

Marty and I battled all summer over the temperature in our home; he was constantly cold in the living room where he sat, where the mini split is. I was in other parts of the house, especially the kitchen, which left me miserably hot, sweaty, and cranky.

I went into the pool when it was shady and not too hot. I took the coldest showers I possibly could because warm water made me feel too hot. It is possible to sweat in the shower, people.

I still don’t know why I was so overheated. It wasn’t hot flashes like people immediately would suggest to me. I would say to them that ship pulled out of the port a long time ago. Again, mind your own business, Karen.

The breathing issue was still new to me this summer and scary at times. Not being able to breathe would stop me dead in my tracks, making it hard for me to keep up with people, especially my sister Jen when she was visiting for the fourth of July. I could barely climb the stairs, which made me stressed and sad during her visit.

This was the summer that rained, was cloudy or hot and humid. We had very few nice summer days. The summer was horrible for everyone in our area, but it was a summer of “what the fucks” for me. No one understood how horrible I felt and how depressed I was.

We’ve had a few crisp and clear mornings with no humidity, and it felt heavenly. I can breathe easily and am not winded going up and down the stairs. I have not been tired and sluggish like I have been all summer.

I worked very hard and pushed through the depression and remembered what Hawk, my power animal, told me when a hawk flew over my car when I was driving to dance class.

I went back to looking at everything from a different perspective, to look at the beauty around me and live in the moment.

Once I started living in the moment again and stopped worrying about everything by giving my worries, doubts, and fears away, my happiness and positivity returned. Being happy is a choice, and so is being miserable and negative.

This morning we had our tea and coffee on the front porch with Klausie and Nelly. The sun was warm, I had to take off my long-sleeved shirt over my T-shirt. The sun wasn’t brutal; it was warm and lovely.

When Marty asked me what I thought the temperature was, it was unbelievable; it was 42 degrees outside, but it felt like it was 70. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, which was a brilliant blue.

Marty looked at the time; it was almost 8 a.m. We had to pry ourselves off the porch to start production. I got Klausie and Nelly inside by asking them, Who’s hungry? They are always hungry, but they didn’t have their breakfast yet.

After feeding them, it was time for me to go to work. Afterward, we ate lunch on the deck, under the umbrella with the pups at our feet. It was glorious; it was 73 degrees, perfect for me.

After a summer that made me even more depressed than I have been, I realized that summer isn’t my favorite season anymore, even though I waited all year for it. That was a giant WTF for me.

That is as hard a pill to swallow as being unable to dance fast anymore. Things change on a dime; you have to roll with the punches like I am trying to do or curl up and die.

It’s going to be clear and chilly tonight, in the upper 40s. The sky will be filled with a million stars and planets. Star gazing is fantastic here since we don’t have light pollution.

Getting a good night’s sleep on cool nights like these is better than having our bedroom air conditioner on the meat locker setting, which Marty doesn’t mind since he is hunkered down under the covers.

Well, I guess summer isn’t my season anymore; fall is. It isn’t the end of the world with gorgeous days like today.

Happy Friday! Enjoy your holiday weekend, guys.

One chicken…

My chicken is waving, “Hi, guys!”

I picked up a chicken the other day for a reasonable price. Whenever I go to a grocery store, I have to put things back that are too expensive and pivot. 

I never made a spatchcock chicken on the bbq grill before, so this was my chance. I looked up several recipes and found one to try.

I watched a quick YouTube video on how to spatchcock a chicken. It was much easier than I thought it would be. 

I laid the chicken on a cooking rack on a sheet pan. I salted it and put it into the refrigerator, uncovered for 24 hours. This ensures a crispy skin on the chicken.

The next day, I made the dry rub suggested in the recipe and rubbed it all over the chicken. Next, I inserted a bbq meat thermometer probe.

Marty built the fire since I can’t breathe in any smoke anymore. When it was ready, he put the spatchcocked chicken on the grill.

The recipe said to pull the chicken off the grill at precisely 165 degrees, then let it rest. It specifically said not to grill longer than the correct temperature.

I carved the chicken and was pretty pleased with its appearance on the pan. It was very juicy and moist.

Marty made smashed potatoes on the flattop grill, which were so good! I made a broccoli salad, which is our favorite.

The chicken was moist af, but that stupid ass rub ruined the skin. It turned bitter as hell. So bitter we had to peel the skin off.

When this happens when I follow someone’s recipe exactly (which doesn’t happen often for this very reason), and it turns out bad, I want to hunt this person down. 

The chicken had a slightly smoky taste and was delicious, minus the gross skin situation. 

Marty’s magical potatoes.

The meal was well-balanced and super tasty. The potatoes? They were my favorite! 

They were crispy on the outside and like fluffy mashed potatoes inside. I used to make these in the oven, but now they are Marty’s job since he does them so well.

Potatoes have always been my favorite ever since I can remember. It made a lot of sense When I learned I am 74% Irish. Since I was a kid, I have loved baked, roasted, boiled, scalloped, au gratin, and french fries.

A couple of days later, on another rainy and gloomy day. I took the leftover chicken off the bone and made the best chicken and biscuits; ever!  I make the same chicken, gravy, and veggies when I make pot pies too.

When I was teaching myself how to cook, I used the original Betty Crocker recipe in my mother’s cookbook that she got as a shower gift. I think she made a valiant effort to learn to cook as a newlywed, but that didn’t last long because she hated cooking and the clean-up.

Now, when I make chicken with gravy and veggies, I use fresh vegetables and sauté them first to build flavor, plus lots of fresh herbs and seasonings to make it my own. Having delicious chicken is also a must.

I served the chicken with biscuits on the side and buttered Trader Joe’s gluten-free fresh fettuccine.

My chicken and biscuits were good before, but this? Holy shit, it was over-the-top delicious. What made the difference was the slight smoke on the chicken.

It was a game-changer! I’ve always used leftover roasted chicken, but not anymore. Plus, the chicken cooked in half the time spatchcocked on the grill. 

What will I change the next time I make spatchcocked chicken? No rub! I’ll do everything the same, except seasoning the chicken with kosher salt & pepper. 

You can spatchcock a chicken and roast it in the oven, which I will do in the wintertime to save time and get crispy skin, not just on top of the chicken.

I can end by telling you this: I will never roast a whole chicken the traditional way again. Period.

Second class citizen…

An all-male brigade of chefs.

I have been stewing about a situation that happened more than a week ago when Marty and I were making deliveries. I am a tough cookie, but sometimes something will leave me speechless and shocked. Here’s what happened. 

While delivering to the local restaurants, we bumped into the new French chef who is now at the helm of one of them. We were wearing our spätzle t-shirts, which we call the “company uniform.”

The new French chef greeted Marty, giving him a pat on the back. The two met several times. When Marty introduced him to me, he barely acknowledged me.

He spoke directly to Marty and acted as though I wasn’t there. As I quickly figured out, this French chef behaved like a typical French male chef I only heard about or saw on tv cooking shows.

The chef bragged about making his own spätzle but said it’s not gluten-free like ours. Then he said it would not be on the menu regularly, only if it went with something like the coq au vin, which was a special on the menu that night. 

We are fine with that; good chefs change their menu weekly or nightly. I can’t understand how some restaurants never change their menu; for 15 or 20 years! By the way, I am not talking about a famous establishment or family-owned business.

I bit my tongue because this is one of our wholesale customers. I wanted to tell him big shit, pal, you can make your own spätzle. Learning to make spätzle is the first thing they teach you in culinary classes.

I didn’t tell him I made my own for 20 years before I spent seven years developing the only gluten-free spätzle in the world.

He was using MY spätzle with his coq au vin, but he automatically thought Marty was the spätzle maker and dragged his wife along with him for company. I actually wanted to go to meet him since I heard good things about his food. We know how that worked out, don’t we?

While we were standing outside the walk-in, I could feel my temper boil as he stood beside me, speaking to Marty as if I wasn’t there. When we left, he said goodbye to Marty, and I said politely, “It was nice to meet you, chef.” 

I put my hand out to shake his hand, he had to take it, and I gave him my best death squeeze of a handshake. His poor hand, smooth as a baby’s ass, felt like a limp fish in my hand. Yuck! I thought for sure he would’ve had a power grip with that ego.

When we got outside, I went on a rant. Marty agreed what happened was typical in the kitchens of fine dining establishments. I ranted and raved while we went up the mountain to our next customer.

Now I know how it feels when I’ve seen women chefs on tv and in food articles talk about how hard it is and how badly they are treated in the kitchens run by male chefs. It goes way beyond, yes, chef; heard chef. You have to have some tough skin to take it.

Currently, only 25.2% of women chefs and line cooks work in the restaurant industry in our country. Less than 7% of U.S. restaurants are led by women.

That 7% of women are badasses who have to work harder and longer, find childcare, and support other upcoming female chefs. Female chefs of color with different ethnicities are lower in the part of that 7% figure.

I could go on forever writing about famous women chefs in history, but instead, here is a link titled The Triumph of Women Chefs. These women chefs paved the way for generations of female chefs.

Chef Julia Child was larger than life in the kitchen and on tv. I always wondered where she was putting things or getting things below her. The tables are turned on the set of The French Chef; this is my favorite photo showing behind the scenes, literally.

All week, I thought about that French chef who made me so furious. How dare he assume it was Marty’s recipe and business!  I don’t care who this chef trained under, where he worked, and he is friends with some world-famous chefs; rude is rude. Period.

I told Marty he could make the deliveries to that place since I have zero respect for the chef. The question is, can he cook? Of course, he can, he is brilliant in the kitchen, and everyone says the food is incredible. I expected it would be.

I wonder how many women working in his kitchens over the years went home feeling like shit after getting their asses handed to them every night, or better yet, how many got promoted to high-level positions?

Now that I’ve written about that eye-opening experience, I can let it go; but I will say this, “Va te faire foutre” chef, which means fuck you, chef. Please, pardon my French! 😂

Mema’s veggie bowl…

When I was a little girl, I spent a lot of time with my grandmothers, Mema & Nana. I had some favorite items at both of their places.

I only have four items from Nana, her deviled egg plate, a set of Santa and Mrs. Klaus salt and pepper shakers, and a round three-compartment relish tray.

I was a young teen when Nana went to live with my Aunt Claire in Houston, Texas. My grandmother went blind when I was around 6; it was amazing how long she was able to stay in her own home until she needed more assistance.

My mother wasn’t nice to Nana, just like she wasn’t to me. She made a big deal whenever she had to take Nana somewhere or do anything for her. I hated how my mother treated Nana. It was painful to watch as a kid.

Aunt Claire, my mother’s sister, flew in and hired an estate company to take care of the furniture and other items. I remember how heartbroken and upset Nana was.

She referred to that day as “the day they broke up my home.” It made me sad, but she couldn’t live alone anymore. My mother didn’t lift a finger to help Aunt Claire; she was whistling dixie because she didn’t have to do things for Nana anymore.

Whenever Nana would talk about the day they broke up her home, I quietly would cry, not wanting her to hear me; I felt so bad for her. It would be much better to live with Aunt Claire, who wanted to care for her; my mother was nothing like her sister. Ya, think?

Mema’s house was a fun house to visit. She had lots of things I loved! As a young adult, I would visit Mema by myself. When Noah and Sam were little, we always visited Mema on our NJ trips.

She always played with me because she wanted to, and we had so much fun together when I was little. She always played with Noah when we would visit; he remembers her, which I am grateful for. Sam was little, so I don’t think he remembers her.

One day before Marty and I got married, I visited Mema; I was still living in Jersey then. She told me to look around and take whatever I wanted to have. One of those items was her veggie bowl.

I loved it because it looked like someone painted it by hand, not a machine. I use that bowl a lot now that I have a huge pantry and can find anything I want easily on a shelf.

Our small veggie garden finally started growing once we had a few days in a row without rain. The tomatoes seemed to turn red in one day. I’ve been picking and using them as soon as they ripen.

I went outside yesterday, picked some ripe tomatoes, and put them in my Mema’s bowl. I feel like a part of them is with me smiling when I use their things in my kitchen. I am sure they probably are. Those are the items that keep me connected to them.

I used all the tomatoes tonight by making a caprese salad and a pasta dish with chopped tomatoes, basil, and Italian parsley from our garden, garlic, olive oil, crushed red pepper, and kosher salt topped with grated Romano cheese. The gluten-free penne SUCKED! I had to use it since we had no spatzle on hand.

I’ve been making this dish for over 25 years, especially in the summer when all the ingredients are in season and abundant. It tasted like how I always make it; too bad the pasta sucked ass.

I love that nostalgic feeling when using one of my grandmother’s things. It makes me feel like a child again whenever I see them; I get a soft smile on my face. It’s like getting a hug from them.

I talk to Mema & Nana and tell them what I am making. I always thank them, then I cry a little until I can see them in my mind’s eye waving their hands at me, gesturing, “Oh, stop it.”

Slurpy yellow noodles…

I’ve been saying I could eat spaghetti with tomato sauce every day ever since I was a little kid; I still say so; that’s how much I love it.

Italian food has always been my favorite cuisine, with Chinese food coming in a close second. Living in NJ with some of the best places was always a hard toss-up.

Then I grew up. It wasn’t until my 30s I realized there are so many other ethnic cuisines I have grown to love as much as my childhood favorites. 

Why did it take me so long to discover these other cuisines that I love to eat and can make pretty damn good? Have I mastered them? Fuck no, and far from it. There is always room for improvement in everything you do, especially in cooking.

I grew up in a blue-collar neighborhood, in a blue-collar city, with blue-collar parents. They were not adventurous when it came to eating. They liked to eat out but stuck to “American” food, Italian and Chinese food. Period.

American food has different dishes and flavors from regions across our country. For example, soul food, Creole, Texas bbq, Southwestern, Californian, Midwestern, Yankee, and East Coast seafood, to name some major ones.

Regional dishes came from where the people lived, what was available corn or wheat, for example, and what vegetables did well in their climate, such as peaches or pumpkins. Those influences created the most delicious food that is still popular today.

The same is true for every other place in the world and its regional cuisines; using what types of vegetables, proteins, and starches were available created the ethnic food we Americans are familiar with today.

Since America is the world’s melting pot, we are now lucky enough to have ethnic cuisine all over our country. Not here in Vermont, the food desert of the county when it comes down to it quite simply. Good thing Albany, NY, is only an hour away.

These different ethnic cuisines were a welcome change for our boring tastebuds growing up during the Betty Crocker era when everyone ate meatloaf, roasted chicken, and casseroles. All delicious, not exciting.

Do I have a new favorite ethnic cuisine? Yes, I have two, Thai and Indian. As I mentioned, with a lot of practice, I do an excellent job with those cuisines for a white girl.

People who want to try an ethnic recipe expect restaurant results in their home kitchens when using American ingredients and cookware; these things matter more than you realize. 

My Chinese cuisine now tastes authentic because my old wok is finally seasoned to the point it needs to be for that restaurant flavor. I also learned a lot by trying over and over again until I was finally happy with the results. This took years btw.

I like to go to the Asian supermarket for my ethnic ingredients such as curry pastes, noodles, spices, and a shit ton of other items. I go once or twice a year and stock up. You can now find many of these items at co-ops and specialty stores but at specialty store prices. 

In Asian cuisine, like Thai food, all the ingredients have a purpose to keep a dish in balance. Ingredients such as fresh lime juice, brown or palm sure, and fish sauce are essential; without them, the dish wouldn’t have that Thai taste profile and umami; they also balance the dish.

I have used the term balancing out a dish often in the blog. When you are cooking, you want your dish to be balanced, or it will taste like something is missing.

Here’s a perfect explanation from a blog called Otao Kitchen. 

“If a flavour balances another flavour, it means it counteracts it to achieve an even, harmonious taste. For example, spice balances sweet and sweet balances spice. It’s why Mexican hot chocolate is finished with a pinch of cayenne pepper, the spice works with the sweet to produce a more dynamic flavour.”

Here is a link to Stir Crazy Cooking School if you would like to learn more about balancing out flavors.

Now onto this blog post’s topic (how I tell stories drives Marty crazy. It comes from my Irish roots.) Here is a dirty little secret. I love yellow curry noodles so much that I always have them on hand. Taste of Thai has small boxes of noodle dishes such as red and yellow curry noodles, spicy Szechuan, pad thai, and peanut noodles for quick lunches. 

I’ve been on a yellow curry noodles kick for the last week. I ate two boxes of Taste of Thai yellow curry, which is still insufficient. I needed to make a pot of my own.

I was out of yellow curry paste, so I picked up a can the other day while making deliveries. I always have the other ingredients on hand.

I made a pot of yellow curry noodles this morning for breakfast. I love making and eating shit like this for breakfast. Marty loves this for lunch but not so much for breakfast.

Marty has been away since last night since he is vending at The Vermont Cheesemakers Festival, which is almost 3 hours away, so it was a perfect time for me to indulge in my yellow noodle obsession. 

There are plenty of recipes for all kinds of yellow curry dishes; however, only a few with just noodles. I took the Thai cooking knowledge that I had learned and made my version. If you go to the Stir Crazy Cooking School link above, they provide a few recipes.

Now I have to admit, mine was so much better than the stuff in the box by a million, but those are perfect for a simple time-crunch lunch. 

Now for the slurping part of the post. I was constantly yelled at for slurping my spaghetti noodles when I was a kid. I would tell my parents it tasted better that way, and my mother would tell me to knock it off, so I did.

My parents were correct when teaching me table manners here in America, where slurping noodles is impolite, uncouth, and rude. It’s that way throughout Europe and many other countries.

In many Asian countries, slurping noodles with chopsticks is appropriate; it’s a way of life for them, and also showing your compliments to the chef or cook. 

And guess what? Studies have proved that slurping your noodles DOES make food taste better by breathing in and using your sense of smell. Ha! I knew that at 6 or 7 years old! How do you like those apples? 

When my yellow curry noodles were ready, I plated them up in a large bowl. I got a pair of chopsticks and an Asian soup spoon to get every bit of that yellow curry sauce at the end.

I began picking up the noodles with my chopsticks and slurped away, making various noises. It turned out to be my best batch yet. I was delighted and content.

I made enough to have more for dinner or every time I walk by the pot. That’s how it goes when I am on a food kick. I can’t do it when Marty is around so much, but I can go noodle crazy today!

Have I eaten anything else? Of course, I have; I made gravy fries with ketchup—another one of my favorite things to eat.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, guys. 😉

Feeling chefy again…

Everything in this photo has a blueish tint to it from the patio umbrella on the deck.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling creative, something I hadn’t felt for a long time. I wanted to make something with leftover asparagus in the fridge.

I knew exactly what I was going to make…Poached eggs over chopped asparagus and bacon topped with hollandaise sauce and chopped tarragon.

It’s not every morning, especially for the last few months, that I spring out of bed to make one of the French mother sauces. 

Hollandaise sauce isn’t something for timid cooks; it takes a little practice. I’ve mastered it and don’t think twice when I want to make it anymore.

Hollandaise sauce is very rich and is made with egg yolks, butter, lemon juice, salt & pepper. I make a tiny batch since it’s just the two of us. 

Today, I added a pinch of curry powder to the hollandaise sauce, which gave it a little more flavor and color.

We try to stick to the idea that the key to healthy eating is having everything in moderation. We had a small amount of hollandaise sauce spooned over our poached eggs.

Speaking of poached eggs, I love them. They are a bit of a pain in the ass to make, so I don’t make them often. Poached eggs took me a long time to master. I usually make soft-boiled eggs when I don’t feel like making fussy food.

For the rare times, we eat breakfast out, I order poached eggs. I can practically hear the breakfast cook saying, “Oh, Fuck! What asshole ordered the poached eggs?”

It slows things down in a busy small kitchen, unlike large brunch establishments that pre-make large amounts of poached eggs and gently reheat them when ordered.

I saw on a tv show that Bobby Flay spent two summers working at a hotel restaurant, and all he did was pre-cook poached eggs. Poached eggs aren’t the easiest suckers to pull off, either.

First, there must be vinegar in the water. Next, each egg should be carefully broken into its dish. No, you can’t do it the lazy way of breaking the eggs directly into the water; you can if you want broken yolks.

When the water comes to a simmer, you whirl the water with a slotted spoon around like a cyclone and carefully pour each egg cup into the water. Then you hold your breath and pray.

The vinegar in the water helps the egg whites stay together with the egg, but there will usually be some stringy egg whites floating around, which happened on Sunday morning.

When I pulled them out of the boiling water after they floated, I always dab the eggs on a towel with a slotted spoon, then carefully get rid of the strings before plating. 

Do you have to do this? Hell no, if you don’t care what they look like. However, I am a perfectionist cook in the kitchen and simply have to.

See how poached eggs are a pain ass? Swears are floating around the universe from cooks worldwide cursing their asses off when an egg breaks in the water, and there are still plenty from me while I was learning sunny side up and over easy eggs.

Eggs are hard to perfect. Did you know many chefs on employment interviews have to make eggs because it shows what kind of chef they are?

Just before I pulled the eggs out of the water, I had a perfect hollandaise sauce until I forgot about it for a few seconds while I was plating, and my damn sauce broke. I think I only said quietly shit, shit, shit.

Instead of totally freaking out and throwing the whole thing away like I used to, I fixed it. Since I learned that kitchen hack, it has saved many kinds of sauces. I’ve learned to tame my temper over the years when things like this happen and pivot to fix it.

To fix a broken sauce, you add a little bit of hot water and whisk the hell out of it until the sauce comes back together. 

The sauce came back together but was thin. I didn’t have time to cook it further since I had perfectly cooked poached eggs that were getting cold; I plated the sauce as it was.

 As Julia Child said, never apologize for a dish you messed up. Marty didn’t notice the hollandaise was on the thin side, or he would have told me. 😂

All that aside, I whipped up a delicious Sunday morning breakfast served with a multigrain gluten-free multigrain toast to dip in the yolks and sauce. I love dippy eggs! Everything is a weird color in the photo from the patio umbrella. Note to self.

I can tell I am starting not to feel as depressed as I have been since January. I started making cooking videos for our spätzle page and my Julzie Style one on Instagram. I am getting better at it.

I finally figured out how to video with a tripod to make demo videos. I added music and effects to the kinds of reels like I see on Instagram. I did a slow-motion reel and a cooking demo with a voice-over, I was scared to do the voice-over with my deep Jersey voice, but it came out pretty good.

This year I have had no interest in doing anything like that for our Instagram pages; now, I am a reel-making maniac! You can check out the reels on Instagram @vtspatzle or @julziestyle or The Vermont Spätzle Company on Facebook.

Please share a post you like or tell a friend who may like my writing style, never knowing what I’ll post next. Hell, I don’t have a clue until I sit in front of the keyboard on my laptop most days. Thanks, guys! 😊

Acceptance & adapting…

I gave a quick update on Monday’s blog post that I don’t have pulmonary fibrosis. I was relieved and happy when Dr. Stewart told me the good news. 

My pulmonologist at Dartmouth Hitchcock was young, intelligent, and easy to talk to and understand. 

He sketched out drawings to explain what I do have, interstitial lung disease. It’s not a quickly progressing disease, and there are two medications when it does progress. 

I received the best answer I could have gotten that day. It sucks that I have lung disease, but it’s something that won’t kill me in 3-5 years.

On Wednesday, I had some breathing problems which I knew would affect me at dance class. 

I had to come up with a plan and how I could adapt how I could dance. Breathing doesn’t affect how I teach, which I love.

I spoke with Kathleen about how we can adapt to my new condition. We came up with a variety of things we can do. 

Next, we discussed how we can adapt our classes for our students. Kathleen made my dancing adaptation easy.

Kathleen danced to the fast songs during my tribal workout. Emily is away and usually does the fast songs for me.

Our level one class constantly evolves with who we have in class and the students’ levels. Wednesday night’s class was clumsy, and I wasn’t happy with how it went.

I wasn’t teaching my students’ technique; I only was watching them dance, making a few suggestions. (This had nothing to do with my breathing issues.)

I let everyone know how I felt about what we tried. I thought out loud, and with the students’ help, we devised a new plan that should work.

During the next class with our core group of dancers, I told them about my condition and what it meant. 

These women and I have all bared our souls to one another. I tried to be positive when I spoke to them and shared what Kathleen and I came up with. (Kathleen had to leave early that night.)

I also shared on a deeper level why it’s been hard for me to teach so many different levels of students at once. Again, we came up with more ideas to give all the students what they need since everyone progresses at different times.

I was good with everything during class but began crying while driving home. I was sobbing in my truck before I got home. 

I thought I accepted having lung disease because I came up with ways to adapt. It turns out it isn’t that easy. 

I came into the house still weepy. When Marty asked me how class went, I started crying again—ugly crying. I told him I was having trouble processing everything and how hard it was. This was life-changing shit going on. 

We talked about it briefly, then decided to eat our dinner at 9 pm. I had a glass of wine while I ate and calmed down. 

This week has felt long and tiring. I’ve been busy doing things with little time to sit down and feel sorry for myself. I am not sure what I’ve been doing since today I realized our house was a fucking disaster; well, for me, anyway, I am a neat freak.

Many people have much worse things going on health-wise, but I feel like this was another sucker punch on top of dealing with other severe health and mental shit.

It’s Friday afternoon, and I am still in processing mode. Marty can brush things off and move on with life; I can not. He was “in one ear and out the other” poster child when dealing with things growing up and still now.

Why did dancing make me realize I have not accepted my current situation? Dancing was the thing that saved me from taking my own life and my boys’ lives 20 years ago, so now losing a big chunk of it makes me sad. I am grieving.

I can’t just fucking move on and adapt as quickly as people think I should. I still have to accept this significant change in my life which will never get better than it is today.

It took me a long to accept getting older, but this isn’t about age; it’s about the inability to do things you love.

I don’t really have a happy ending for this blog post, except at least it wasn’t fibrosis which would have been life-ending. I haven’t felt like writing this week, but today I needed to.

It’s not a “Happy Friday” kind of Friday for me this week, but I’ll “get over it” and snap out of it with time. Thanks for listening and sharing with me your comments which mean a lot, and are super supportive. 💜