Processing…

***Preface about this piece which came out of the blue today. My intent isn’t to bash my adopted mother, but this post has been looming in the back of my mind, waiting for the right time to come out. As with all my raw, honest, and emotional pieces, the purpose is to put me on a path of healing and not one of hate.

You don’t have to have psychic abilities to have a “visit” from a loved one who has passed in one of your dreams. Whenever I have had a “visit,” I remember it clearly, where dreams are cloudy, and I forget the details.

This morning, just before I woke up, I dreamt about my mother, Eileen, who passed away in October. It’s just like our relationship my whole life, not knowing it was real or fake.

My mother put on a good show when anyone else was around, including Marty. She dripped with sugar, complimenting me after compliment, later saying something to hurt me when we were alone.

My mother bragged about my successes constantly, which were never real. She wanted people to compliment her for being my mother. She took credit for my achievements my whole life. For instance, the only reason why I have thick beautiful hair now is that she cut it often when I was little.

My mother told people how much she missed me and would have them call from the nursing home, giving me a guilt trip saying how sweet and wonderful she was and how much she missed me. 

When I got there for a visit later that day or the next day at most, she treated me like shit and would end the visit after only a few minutes. Even when I told her I rearranged my work and production schedule to come to see her, she still ended the visit with a smug smile, thinking she had won.

The first few years she lived at the care facility, I always brought something with me I thought she would like, such as her favorite candy, flowers, a new piece of clothing, or food she loved. It didn’t matter what it was; she didn’t use it, like it, or eat any of them. 

Each time I visited her, I had high hopes she would be nice to me and that we would have a pleasant visit. She was when staff was around; it was another story as soon as they left the room. I always left in tears. Every. Single. Time.

I did this over and over again. Marty would remind me of Albert Einstein’s quote about insanity: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Eventually, I stopped expecting her to be nice to me and for us to have a good visit. We had maybe five friendly visits in the eight years she lived at the care facility after her stroke. 

That’s not many good visits considering in the beginning; I went to see her every day. Then I went twice a week, then weekly, then every other week.

It is terrible to say, but covid was a blessing that I could no longer be guilted or manipulated to come to see her. She still pulled her same tricks when we would FaceTime. 

On our Facetime calls, she couldn’t play actress with someone else in the room. By the way, Meryl Streep had nothing on Eileen’s acting abilities. Instead, she would choose to have conversations with the person holding the iPad and not me or the four of us, even on Christmas morning 2020. 

After that Christmas morning, I had it. I pulled back from her a couple of years before after being in therapy and realizing my unhealthy relationship with her was making me not only mentally and emotionally sick but physically also. In 2018, I had a massive ulcerative colitis flare-up and was back in counseling due to depression. She didn’t care about either of those two things when a social worker talked to her about it.

I remembered all the tricks she pulled on me my whole life. How mean she was throughout my childhood and teen years. I never talked about it to anyone. I thought it was my fault because I was a bad kid. I also remembered how she lied and manipulated not only me but every person in her life. I wrote about this in my blog post, “Aunt Claire’s gift.

It turned my stomach watching her be phony to the staff at the care facility. She received excellent care and treatment over the years, but she threw everyone under the bus and reported every person trying to get them in trouble for doing nothing. She was known as “Eileen, the one who lies.” No shit! 

True to her character, she did the same thing at all her workplaces before her stroke. She was fired from every one of her jobs or left on bad terms.

In therapy, one day, we uncovered I had attachment disorder, which made perfect sense that no matter how poorly she treated me over the years, I was afraid to lose her. That’s why I acted “insane;” refer back to the above description. 

Through mediation and a lot of energy work, I could “cut the apron strings,” known in energy work as cutting the ethereal cords. If you want to learn more about ethereal cords, here is a link to read.

My mother’s behavior continued until she took her last breath on October 20, 2021. After she passed, I was left feeling completely relieved, without any grief or sadness whatsoever. I still feel like that today.

Usually, after someone passes, I get messages from heaven letting me know that the person is still around. I haven’t found or heard a thing from her. It feels like she doesn’t “need” her little Cinderella anymore. I did find two pennies together shortly after her passing in a puddle from my dad, letting me know she was there.

Perhaps, I don’t get any messages because her energy isn’t strong enough to do those things since she wasn’t the nicest person, which is entirely accurate in most cases. Kind, decent, loving people are usually still the same when they cross over and try to comfort us.

So back to this morning’s dream. I have found that loved ones appear how they want you to remember them in their visit, looking their best. She looked like she did when Noah was a baby, hair, makeup, and nails done, wearing a nice outfit. She was smiling and was very happy.

In this morning’s dream, Marty and I got off an elevator, and she ran up to us saying, “Oh my God, I never thought I’d see you guys again!” She hugged us and looked genuinely happy, not her fake happy look. 

We briefly walked down the hallway with her; then, she was gone. I woke up immediately when I realized she wasn’t there. I was confused about if it was a visit or a dream; this doesn’t usually happen because of my strong intuition.

I came downstairs crying and told Marty about my dream and how I was questioning if it was a dream or a visit. He told me it could be whatever I wanted it to be. 

Of course, I want it to be a visit, but I am not sure since the whole thing is fuzzy, and I can’t remember much. As the day goes on, the dream gets cloudier and fainter.

The sad thing is that even after all the shit she put me through, I am still that little girl who just wants to please and make her mommy proud and happy because she adopted me, her “present” from God. Maybe that’s why I always felt like just another possession of hers.

I am insane. No, excuse my french, I am fucking nuts!

Nuisance…

I have a lot more patience today than when I was in my 20s or even my 30s. I still wouldn’t call myself a patient person in some situations; I am not sure anyone is patient all the time, except maybe for Mother Theresa and a couple of others.

One of my biggest pet peeves is why swimwear and athletic bra manufacturers don’t sew the padding into the garment? Instead, they design a small opening where the padding can be removed and replaced.

Why? Ladies, you know what I am talking about. After you wash an athletic bra or swimsuit, the padding either gets folded over, twisted, or comes out completely.

Trying to get one of those pads back in makes me feel like my small, thin fingers are gigantic. Impossible on a day when arthritis hurts my fingers. It’s a huge pain in the ass!

The hole where you are supposed to put the pad back in. Are they kidding me?

In a fit of fury and swear words, when one of those pads flips, turns, or bails from the garment, I hank them out and throw them into the garbage. Simple solution. Period.

If the point of the pads in a swimsuit top is to make your breasts look larger, then ok you have to deal with putting the pads in and out. However, the pads are like sponges making the top never dry, which feels yucky and unsexy.

If the point of the pads is to hide a person’s nipples, you are practically naked to begin with. I can understand modest people may care, but chances are they aren’t showing their areolas by wearing a see-through color, like a white bathing suit leaving nothing to the imagination. Dark-colored bathing suits tend to hide bumps, ripples, and nipples.

Last week, I ripped the pads out of all my sports bras and swimsuit tops and am pleased with how fast my bathing suit dries! I also don’t have any more shit fits when I take the laundry out of the washing machine and find one of the annoying pads.

Sports bras are meant for support, and we know “support can be beautiful,” maybe I wouldn’t be writing this blog post if the pads were simply sewn in.

I try not to be a complainer on my blog, I really do, but I am sure I am not the only one who gets annoyed by this nuisance.

Anyway, that is all. Carry on. 😜👙🩱

Business owners…

Last week, I wrote about all the characteristics that made up me. As a new blogger, I often forget that many of you only know me through the blog, not how I got to be Julz. I also forget that you don’t know how I have accomplished some of the things I did.

Before we started The Vermont Spätzle Company, I reinvented myself many times. I was a cashier, store clerk, administrative assistant, store manager, and stay-at-home mom for 11 years.

I worked for a caterer and did some catering with Marty; I was a lunch lady and a food service director. I was a hotdog lady and a convenience store supervisor. In every one of those positions, I worked my ass off. Marty and I have very strong work ethics, and in any job we have, we work as if we were the owners.

Over the years, I worked for many assholes who didn’t appreciate my hard work and dedication. When I drove home from those jobs, I prayed out loud in my vehicle this prayer “God, please let me have my own business someday. A business that no one else has.” I did this for years.

I was in a reiki master class and meditation group on Sunday nights during this time. This is where I heard about the book and movie the secret. My friend Everley, my reiki master, told us about it, and we watched the movie.

The Secret is about positive manifestation. The movie taught you step-by-step how to achieve anything you wanted in your life by positive manifestation. The movie changed my life.

I didn’t make a tangible manifestation board with photos, dreams, and aspirations; I made mine in my head. I knew exactly what I wanted my life to look like in ten years.

One day, back in 2005, Everley and I went to visit a friend of hers who was a psychic and had just lost her husband. She did a reading on both of us. I was nervous because this wasn’t something I had planned.

In my reading, Loretta told time that she saw me teaching. I told her I was a belly dance teacher; she said that wasn’t it. Less than two years later, I was hired as the food service director at the Arlington School District, and students would be my employees. I was going to teach them the hands-on side of culinary arts while they had a teacher to follow up with classroom work. She was right! I taught and worked at school for 7-years.

Loretta also told me in more than ten years; she saw me making large sums of money doing what I love. Everything I would learn up to that point would be considered my “college” education. She also told me it would all start with writing, not a book or CD, something she didn’t know what it was. I was aching to know what that something was! After 8-years or so, I forgot all about it.

Jump to 2017 when I finally figured out how to make our gluten-free spätzle after seven years of experimenting with all kinds of ingredients. Finally, I figured it out! I was so excited and said aloud, “This is the birth of The Vermont Spätzle Company!” I even did a Facebook post saying so since I was so damn proud of myself.

When I served the spätzle for dinner that night, Marty said, “We have to share this with the world!” Later that night, I realized it was like God slapped me on top of the head and said, “This is it, dummy! This is the business no one else has!”

Excited, I told Marty, “This is it! This is what Loretta was talking about! We can’t fail! This is what I asked God for!” At that point and still today, our spätzle is the only gluten-free spätzle in the world. Even after five years, we are still the only commercial spätzle manufacturer in the states. There is no other product like it.

We decided that night we would start this business and go into it 150%. Over the next three months, I had to figure out how to make it again; then, I had to figure out how to make bigger batches. Doing big batch cooking in the schools made this easy for me.

We had to design a logo and search for packaging. Marty worked tirelessly getting our licenses, both state and federal. He also designed our label and learned how to do our nutrition information. He also figured out how to make a UPC for our product if we wanted it to be in stores.

Marty was working full-time, so all this was done after work in the evenings. On June 3, 2017, we sold our first package at a small farmers market right across the street from our house. We gave out samples, and people flipped over them. We went with 32 packages and sold every one of them.

I immediately gave my notice at the two jobs I had at the time because I was going to become a full-time spätzle maker! We built our production kitchen and bought used work tables, refrigerators and freezers. We found everything at the right time for the right price. We met all the right people at the right time, so everything fell into place quickly.

On Wednesdays, Marty’s day off, he would drive through the state to every co-op and specialty store, dropping off samples while I stayed home and made spätzle. He got us demos in the stores we would be in. After we were in stores throughout Vermont, he made a 500-mile delivery loop every other week while still working full-time and volunteering on the rescue squad at night. I honestly didn’t know how he did it.

I was our social media person, which was the thing that identified us as the “spätzle people.” Whatever store we went in, people would say, “Oh look, it’s the späzle people!” Okay, so we wore our “Keep calm and eat spätzle” shirts, but they still knew us from Facebook and Instagram.

We did many events for the first couple of years, including Oktoberfest in Burlington, VT, and Glenville, NY. We also did a tasting event at Stratton Mountain and won a trophy for best presentation. We did another tasting at the Vermont Cheesemakers Festival, one of the top ten food events in the country, and won for best artisan food. We didn’t even know people were voting!

Knowing we couldn’t fail through positive manifestation and Loretta’s prediction, we made the scary decision for Marty to quit his full-time job and become the other spätzle maker. My body took a beating making so much product myself that I ended up with carpal tunnel syndrome in my right arm.

Now we use a local business, Wilcox Ice Cream, for distribution throughout the state of Vermont; we no longer could lose a production day with Marty on the road. We did as many as five farmers markets a week, but after doing that and working seven days a week, we started to burn out. We decided we needed to take one day off a week and scale back on farmers markets.

We do the deliveries in New York state, trying to hit as many stores as possible when we head out. We have a distributor, The Alpine, who delivers our product to Weis Supermarkets and Key Foods in Pennsylvania.

During the pandemic, it was a scary time for us. We were constantly worried about being able to get the ingredients and supplies for our product. I held my breath every day, hoping we didn’t come down with covid and have to stop production when so many people wanted our product due to the ease of preparation. You don’t boil our egg noodles; they get a quick sauté and are ready in less than 5-minutes. Again, no other product like it anywhere.

Photo credit Fran Kieltyka

Now, we do only the Troy Farmers and are concentrating on our wholesale business. We did come down with covid in April, two years after it reared its ugly head and had to shut down for 10-days. It wasn’t the end of the world, but we hated that people had to wait for more spätzle. Even though people don’t have to cook so much anymore, they still purchase our product because they love it and how easy it is to cook.

After reading my Jewelry blog post, my writing mentor, Jon Katz, called me, reminding me that my readers don’t know how I got to be a successful business owner, belly dance teacher, wife and mother, a good cook, and a confident, strong-willed woman.

I have much more writing to do, sharing with my readers how I overcame negative obstacles and became who I am. When life hands you lemons, you have two things you can do; crumble and be weak or become a strong, confident person persevering and succeeding.

Loretta’s prediction of “making large sums of money” definitely hasn’t happened yet, especially now with the doubling of ingredients and supplies and tripling in price.

Loretta said I would be doing something I loved, and she was right! I still love making spätzle, and we are as passionate about it as we were the first day.

She said it all starts with writing, which may be the social media that gave our business an immediate boost, or maybe this blog? Only time will tell.

The very same spot…

Every year we go to the Arlington Firemen’s Carnival. Marty used to DJ the carnival with his friend Kevin; they would also be on call with the rescue squad. 

Every year, I take a selfie with Sammy in the same spot. Old Facebook posts came up in my memories, and I saw how much Sam has grown up. When it happens right in front of you, it’s not something you notice as much.

We hung out with Kevin, who was still the DJ, and his wife, Brenda. We stayed for the fireworks, which started at 9:30 pm, the most impressive fireworks to date with a fantastic finale.

Marty and I were exhausted from the farmers market, but he helped his buddy anyway pack up all the DJ equipment, tent, etc. Kevin was as tired as we were. 

This was the first year I sat in a chair and just people-watched and socialized a little since my brain was still fried from the market. It’s incredible to see the children I knew from school all grown up with lots of kids of their own.

We speak to so many people at the farmers market and give our “spätzle spiel” and a sample cup to potential customers over a couple of hundred times or more at any given market. That’s a lot of talking, even for me, who was voted the most talkative in my senior class at JFK High School. 😂

Sam didn’t want a wristband for the rides like he used to when he was little, but he got to drive the ambulance on two short rescue squad calls instead, which was his big dream when he was little. He is literally “living the dream.” Lol.

Today is Sunday, and I am not doing shit but swimming and feeding us easy food. I need to rest and recharge my batteries for another busy week ahead.

We have another gorgeous day here in Vermont! This is the nicest summer we’ve had in the 32 years we have lived here. I know we need the rain terribly, but we are enjoying the beautiful weather since we have it.

Have a great day, guys! 😎

Jewelry…

 

From Popsugar: Valued at about $20 million today, the Irish Crown Jewels were stolen from Dublin Castle in 1907. It remains one of Ireland’s greatest mysteries.

I mentioned in my last post my friend Teagan calls me jewelry. After I wrote that post, I started thinking about why I chose the name Julz in the first place for myself. 

My birth name was Clare, and my adopted name was Kathleen. I never once felt like a Kathleen or Kathy. I had felt this way since I was young; it sometimes sounded odd.

Many people called me by my maiden name, which was Parks, not because I asked them to; they said it was just more fitting for me. I had to agree.

I went by and answered to Parks, Sparks, Spark-plug, Sparkler, and Sparky. When I met Marty, he called me Sweets or some other name, but rarely Kathy.

I changed my name to Julz for many reasons. I wrote about it when I first started my blog in a post called I am Julz. 

I wanted a name that meant something to me. It needed to be something that represented me and my personality. I decided on Julz but almost went with Jade.

A jewel or a gemstone is precious with many different shapes and cuts. Some gemstones are opaque, and others are brilliant in color. Some gems like diamonds have many cuts which are glittery and sparkling.

A piece of jewelry can be made up of different types of gemstones. The jewels in that piece of jewelry represent me.

I have as many sides to me as cuts in a diamond. I am funny, sometimes a tough guy, or a softee that gets mushy and emotional. 

I am a hard worker and a daydreamer. I curse like a sailor but have a deep spiritual connection with God. I am a leader and a teacher but want to be taken care of when needed.

I am strong, a perfectionist, and highly driven, but I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, hurt, and heartbroken by a few people who were supposed to love me. 

I try to be generous and kind but do the people I love wrong or me, and I will be in your face so fast it will make your head spin. I like peaceful moments and know when to keep quiet, but I love being loud, dancing and laughing. 

Yes, I have many sides, represented as the cuts in the jewels that make up me; I am a precious piece of jewelry. My name is Julz; this is me!

*** The photo of the Crown Jewels of Ireland popped out when I looked at images for inspiration. I read the Popsugar article and decided I wanted to use it. Ironically, through Ancestory.com, I found out I am more than 70% Irish, something no one ever guessed, not even me.

A reunion with Teagan…

I met Teagan four summers ago at the Saratoga Farmers Market. She was in a wheelchair being pushed by her mom Holly. They stopped at my spätzle booth; I gave them the spatzle spiel and a sample. Teagan loved it. Holly was thrilled she loved it. 

Teagan and her mom Holly visited me every couple of weeks at the farmers market. Some weeks Teagan was too sick to come with her. Teagan was battling cancer again for the second time in her short life. 

It was heartbreaking for Teagan to stay home because I knew the chemotherapy was making her very ill. I was glad our spätzle was one of the few things she could tolerate and eat during this terrible time, plus she loved it.

After Holly would come by to pick up Teagan’s spätzle, I would get so emotional and sometimes wept on my way home. I remember questioning God why he chose this for Teagan, such a beautiful, sweet girl.

Teagan is backstage at Proctor’s Theatre with the actress who played Elsa in the broadway show Frozen. We went to the same show two nights before which was fabulous! There was a touching video of Teagan and Elsa singing “Let it go” together. The video had to be taken down, unfortunately, but at least I saw it.

One day just before Christmas, Holly seemed upset. I was amazed how she could hold it together and be so strong for Teagan. It seemed Teagan wasn’t doing well, and Holly was afraid. We hugged each other at the indoor market, both of us crying. I prayed harder than I had ever prayed before.

I saw Teagan once at the beginning of covid; then I stopped doing the Saratoga market since we decided to grow our wholesale business and only concentrate on doing one farmers market. 

I was friends with Holly on Facebook and was able to keep tabs on how Teagan was doing. For a while, they made endless trips to the ER and hospital. The chemo was taking a toll on her body. 

This is one tough girl!

Then guess what? She got better! She kicked cancer in the butt twice. Her hair was growing back! She was smiling, and so was Holly. She didn’t need her wheelchair anymore.

I watched Teagan finally get to go on her Make a Wish Disney cruise after being canceled numerous times due to covid. I saw how beautiful she looked in her prom dress she got to go to this spring. This made me cry tears of joy.

Teagan at prom.

I saw Holly in person for the first time two weeks ago. She came to Troy to pick up some spätzle for Teagan. I told her to say ‘hi’ to Teagan for me. 

Teagan always calls me Jewelry, and she would correct her mother when she referred to me as Julz. When she gave her my message, she said you meant “Jewelry?” I got a big laugh when Holly messaged me later that day.

Last Saturday, I saw Holly. I was surprised since I had seen her the week before. She told me Teagan wanted to come to see me. I waited for Teagan to come by, then, through a sea of people, I spotted her at the same time she spotted me. 

She started running towards me, I ran out of the spätzle booth, and we hugged each other. You could almost hear music playing like when that happens in a movie.

Can I tell you that was the biggest and best hug I may have ever gotten? I started to get emotional but pulled myself together in under 2 seconds when I looked at how happy and healthy she was and silently thanked God. 

We talked about her prom and her trip. It was like the entire world stopped when we were talking to each other. Her smile could not only light up a room but the whole sky!

Teagan is my hero; her mother is one too. What this family went through not once but twice required so much strength and love. Teagan had the will to kick cancer’s butt because she has many things she is determined to do, like going to prom and back to school. 

Cancer affects everyone in a family. Teagan has two older brothers and a giant circle of family and friends that love and support her and Holly. I watched on Facebook how wonderful her brothers are with her, even when they are away at school. I met one of them at the market on Saturday, and we laughed that we both know a lot about each other. 

Being reunited with Teagan was a special moment in my life. Watching her run towards me still makes me smile. If it weren’t for our spätzle business, I never would have met Teagan. Everyone comes into your life with a purpose; maybe hers was to show me what true determination and strength look like.

I know I am just one small person in her big circle of supporters and fans. How lucky am I?

*** I knew I wanted to write about Teagan; this blog post practically wrote itself this morning during production. I sent Holly a message asking her if it would be ok, and she said, “Of course.” I always ask permission before writing a blog piece about someone else. I’ve only been turned down once and respected the person’s wishes.

Back to the library…

I rediscovered our library here in Arlington last winter. We have a lovely library and a great selection of books. I used to take the boys there weekly when they were little.

I have been staying off social media except for business stuff on Facebook and Instagram. I jump around my pages like a madman avoiding as much negativity as possible. 

I haven’t watched the news either because when I do, the stress and anxiety attacks I’ve been having are relentless. For my own mental health, this is what I have chosen; to live under a rock. Ironically, I’ve been sleeping better as well.

I went online and looked up the summer reading list for 2022 and made my own list which included other light, romantic, fictional novels about history and food. 

I found a shit load of books online and made a list in notes on my iPhone so that I won’t leave it home while at the library; I can’t lose it either. 

My shopping lists are always left behind on the kitchen counter when I am at the store. When I remember, I take a photo of the list, but not always. It infuriates me when I forget the list because my mind goes blank as I wander up and down the aisles of the food store. 

Luckily, today the library hours are 9-8; after production and lunch, I went to look for books. The place was empty and quiet, which was fantastic.

I found a book from the 2022 summer reading list right away. I also found one of the culinary romantic novels as well. This is a perk of living in a small town; popular books are available and not checked out. 

When I was young, I loved reading. I used to walk to the library all the time. Reading took me away from the shit in my own life and transported me to faraway places and different timelines. 

I made “new friends” with the characters in the books and was sad when I finished the book. I was always pissed when the book had a shitty ending. Whenever I would finish a series of books, it left me heartbroken and empty, not knowing what to read next. I know this is a little dramatic, but that’s how it felt to a 13-year-old girl.

I loved reading on vacations at the beach or a pool when I got older. After we had children, my dad died, and dealing with my mother; I didn’t have the concentration to read. I tried many times but couldn’t concentrate. I desperately needed the escape, but it wouldn’t happen.

I did love reading out loud to the boys when they were little. I used many different voices and made the books exciting, funny, and enchanting. Even though they loved when I read stories and books theatrically to them, neither grew up to be readers; they took after Marty in that respect. That’s ok.

After I checked out my books today, I marked on my calendar when they are due since they don’t stamp the date in the back like they used to. I used to play library as a kid whenever I had a stamper and an ink pad. Sam took after me as a child when it came to imaginary play. It would make me smile whenever I saw him setting up a school room, store, or office like I did.

I know many people love reading and downloading books on their Kindles, but I like to hold a book in my hands and turn the pages. I am old-fashioned regarding a few things, and this is one of them. 

Now, I have to decide which book to start first. I look forward to reading at the pool, front porch, and back deck. This will be much healthier for me than staring at my phone in disbelief. 

After I finish these, I have a list of 25 other books to search for and read. I’m so happy I can concentrate and read again. I look forward to escaping this crazy world we live in and being transported to another place and time, just like I did when I was young. 

Accepting the inevitable…

It’s the damndest thing. Since I turned 50 6 years ago, or even a couple of years before that, I put limits on myself without really knowing it. When I thought of myself and how I looked I was fighting a battle that I wasn’t going to win. 

It’s taken me well over a year on this self-acceptance journey, and I finally woke up and realized I was practically there. It’s harder than I expected to grow old gracefully. Hard af to be honest.

I blamed wearing black all the time on trying to hide my new size and body. I tried wearing color and realized that wasn’t it. I refused to wear shorts or feel comfortable going out bare-faced. I hated looking in the mirror because all I saw were wrinkles and a post-menopausal body. 

I was depressed because I realized none of the miracle creams were going to help my crepey neck or the skin above my knees. This was the real reason I discovered why I wouldn’t wear shorts anymore.

Finally, without warning, my brain said, “enough of this ridiculous bullshit.” I finally accepted the inevitable; I was getting older after years of fighting it. I’ve written about how getting old is a privilege, but now I believe it.

I am wearing shorts again, including cut-off denim shorts. I bought ones already cut off with holes in them. They still look like they did on me when I was younger; however, they are slightly longer and more appropriate. They are not cut up to the crack of my ass like Daisy Duke’s shorts.

I am back to wearing playful t-shirts and bikinis. This, my friends, is a big thing for me. I don’t need to hide behind tankinis anymore; that made me feel disgusting anyway. 

Our trip to Vegas last year was eye-opening in so many ways. I saw many women older, bigger, and wrinkled than me rocking their shit and owning it. Saying fuck it. They weren’t wearing teeny bopper clothing but cute, sexy, stylish, trendy clothing and bathing suits.

This spring, I had the urge to go shopping for shorts. This fall, I went black to wearing black not to hide my body, but because I like it. It is not a shroud of shame; it’s that I like black and gray, damn it. I still add a pop of color here and there when I feel like it.

What does all this mean? It means I feel younger again, not on the outside but within. I sometimes feel beautiful, cute, and sexy, and I don’t hate everything I see in the mirror or in photos. 

They say age is only a number or to be young at heart. I had always believed those sayings but lost sight of them when my body changed. I am a confident person but lost a big piece of me. I no longer feel betrayed, ashamed, or disgusted by my body.

When I looked in the mirror this morning before heading out to make a delivery in East Greenbush, NY, I saw my old self and liked what I saw. 

You know what? I can and will rock that shit like those women I saw in Vegas. I wish I wouldn’t have waited so long.

Happy Friday! Have a great Fourth of July weekend. My sister Jen is coming to visit on Saturday for the weekend. It will be fun, and the weather looks excellent on Sunday, our first day off in a few weeks.

And for my next trick…

Marty’s super-duper drink fountain. It’s all him; I never use it. LOL.

I am a dumb ass and do dumb ass things. Today, I was cleaning the windows and screens that were caked with pollen and made the mistake of also washing the walls in our back room/sunroom.

I didn’t intend to do any major projects today, but while cleaning, I wiped a section of the white walls to see if the dinginess came off. It did, and Marty said, “You can’t leave it like that; you have to blend it in.” Of course, he was right.

The job went quickly as I moved along on a kitchen stool. Then I got to the last section and leaned over to get into the tight corner, and that’s when it happened; the stool tipped over. Did you see that one coming? I didn’t. I am pretty flexible and can maneuver like a monkey, but I never used our new kitchen stools as a step ladder before.

I recreated the accident scene. 😜

If I weren’t as flexible, I probably would have hurt myself a lot worse. I fell in between the old bar fridge pantry and the wall but got up quickly. I know I yelled out a series of pretty impressive curse words. Then I started to giggle.

Giggle after a fall? All I could think of was the character Yukon Cornelius from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. When Yukon goes over the side of a cliff with the Abominable Snowman, the gang thinks they are dead, but he returns with his new pal “Bumbles,” aka Abominable Snowman whom he reformed as a good guy.

When Rudolph told him they thought he was dead, he replied, “Didn’t I ever tell you? Bumbles bounce!” Besides the dolly, Yukon Cornelius is my favorite Ruldoph character.

I don’t know why that was the first thing I thought of besides, “Julz, you are a total dumb ass!” Anyway, instead of falling traditionally, I fell and bounced up and didn’t get wedged in.

I strained my right side from my ribcage to my hip and groin, then down my thigh. It hurt like hell when it happened, but I refused to baby myself and finished cleaning. Then I stretched it out. It still hurts but not as bad as I thought it would.

It’s a crapshoot how my right side will feel tomorrow, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I have a full day scheduled, and pain doesn’t stop or slow me down. After production, I have a date planned with Sam to run errands and go shopping together down in Bennington.

The more I keep moving, the better it is; a couple of Tylenol and I will be good to go. It will not stop me from belly dancing on Wednesday; I’ve danced in lots of excruciating pain over the years. Again, movement helps. A body that stays in motion stays in motion. Isn’t that what they say? The bigger question is who are they? Goodnight!

Relax…

When I was a teenager, one of the most popular songs in the 80s from the group Frankie Goes To Hollywood was called, “Relax.”

This song was so popular that everyone walked around wearing white t-shirts with black writing that said, “Frankie say relax.” Modern knock-offs are wrong because they say, “Frankie says relax.” Don’t go fucking up my generation’s sayings, guys. 

That being said, I crave one thing all week—something that I crave more than food or drinks; relaxation. Everyone does, I think. 

Marty and I have a problem relaxing on our only day off of the week; we can’t. On Monday morning, speaking for myself, I am pissed at myself that I didn’t stick to my guns. 

While cooking is relaxing to me, most Sundays, I overdo it by making something elaborate or super time-consuming. I start big projects that leave me exhausted, or I run around like an idiot running errands, including grocery shopping with a store full of other tired working-class folks like me. Everyone gives each other that knowing sympathetic look like this sucks, but someone needs to do it. We all know those someones are us.

Last night, we both went to bed early. I was asleep before 10 pm for an insomniac like me, which is rare. I guess waking up at 4:30 am plus the 90+ degree weather at the farmers market and talking for 5 hours straight to a couple of hundred people kicked my ass. 

At the Troy Market yesterday!

As soon as we got home from the market, we threw on our bathing suits and jumped into the pool. It felt fantastic! All the city grime and clammy skin went away as our body temps dropped immediately, which helped rejuvenate us for a couple more hours.

I slept great last night in our air-conditioned bedroom, waking up on my own at 6:30 am. The first thing I thought of when I opened my eyes was, “ Maybe I should go food shopping this morning.” Difficult time robbing recipes started shooting around in my brain before I realized what I was doing. 

Before I got out of bed, I told myself, “Knock it off, asshole!” I quickly remembered the promise I made to myself about a day of rest. 

Next week, we have a big order to fill for our Pennsylvania distributor, Alpine Meat & Wurst House, and an extensive delivery day on Thursday. I have to rest, dammit, or I will whine all week.😬

I came downstairs and found Marty and Klaus on the front porch. He was sipping coffee and enjoying the quiet Sunday morning and sunshine.

I did the same and mentally put together the rest of my day. We have to eat later, so I decided to make grilled marinated Spanish pork skewers with yellow rice and peas.

I got my frozen pork tenderloins in a brine which is twofold. The brine helps the meat defrost quickly and adds moisture to the meat while it’s grilling. 

I made a simple Spanish marinade for the pork and set up my rice cooker to start the yellow rice 6 hours later. After the pork is defrosted and sits in the brine for 2 hours, I will pat it dry, cut it into large cubes and get it into the marinade. I plan to let the pork marinate for at least 4-5 hours.

While doing this, I saw Marty running back and forth the driveway and asked him what he was doing. He said, “Farting around.” This is Marty’s way of relaxing because he can’t sit still even more than me!

Marty’s Sunday morning arts and crafts project.

The next thing I saw was him installing a small white shelf on the front porch railing he had just made for his side. I know it’s a drink holder shelf after watching him balance his drink glass on the porch railing last night, but I will amuse myself later and ask him what it’s for. 

For the rest of the day, I will be strictly poolside. I’ve been waiting years for this and will force myself to do it. The struggle is real. 😂

Dinner is planned and prepped; the only thing left to do is dig out a bathing suit and start doing what “Frankie say;” relax! 

Have a great day, guys! ☀️🕶😎👙