My name is Julz

I just changed the tag line of my blog. I realized after speaking with my writing mentor Jon Katz, I needed to let my readers who don’t know me personally, figure out what my blog is all about. Jon said that the name “Julzie Style” suggests fashion. I can totally see that now.

Jon Katz is a an accomplished author, writer, teacher, reporter & photographer. Jon has written for some of the biggest publications…ever! Wikipedia can tell you all about him.

Since 2007 Jon has been busy with his own extremely successful blog titled “Bedlam Farm Journal”. If I knew how to do a URL link I would to his blog, but I am not there yet. Jon has been such a tremendous help, I appreciate the time he is taking to shape me into being a better writer. He is direct and so am I so we get along great!

Julzie Style refers to how I live my life. I do things my way; if it’s cooking, the way I dress or wear my hair. I also have my own style when I bellydance or when it comes to costuming. I listen to music that definitely would not be for everyone. Julzie style is how I talk or teach dance & cooking. Basically how I live my life as Julz.

I only found my “Julzie Style” about 12 years ago. People who know me personally know that my actual adopted name is Kathleen or Kathy. Truth be told I never felt like a Kathy. It always sounded funny to me. I didn’t like how it sounded when people sang happy birthday to me when I was a kid. I had a lot of nicknames from my friends and from Marty which was fine with me.

Let me tell you about Kathy. Kathy was a girl that felt like she had to be perfect all the time. That is why I am one of the biggest perfectionists around. I am very very hard on myself. I grew up thinking I had a debt to repay, to show my appreciation, maybe by being perfect would do it. Kathy did whatever she needed to do to try to please her parents especially her mother.

I was never able to forget I was adopted because until this day, I am still introduced as my parents adopted daughter Kathy. The day I was lucky enough to be adopted and join my parents lives has always been referred to as the day they “got me”. Even as a kid I remember thinking “got me”? It was like being other things to get like a new pocketbook or coat. I still hate it, but I have never said anything. Unless you are an adopted person you won’t get it.

Finally, I realized that nothing I ever did or will do in the future would be enough to repay the debt. I needed to stop being that needy little “adopted “girl who just wanted to be like a “real” daughter with no guilt or something to prove. It took the last straw on the camel’s back to make me want to be who I wanted to be. I wanted to shed the old Kathy and leave behind all the old baggage. I was not a Kathy, I was something more special than that. I was this sparkling, confident , outgoing woman. I can light up a room if I want to. I was a performer who performed regularly. I needed a name that filled all those things. It took me two years to find a name that I finally resonated with…Julz.

Marty and my sons, my belly dance sisters and people who really knew me made it a point to immediately start referring to me as Julz. It was weird at first, no one thinks it’s weird when we change our last name when we get married, but first name?

I decided that I was going to go by Julz 100 % all the time. People at work started to call me Julz and the transition was actually pretty easy. The dance world got it completely. The people who didn’t get and still don’t get it call me Kathy. My insides cringe when I hear it. Sometimes since it’s been so long, I don’t even realize they are talking to me. I tried to correct a couple people who know me for a long time, but they said they could never call me Julz or that they forget. They even type Kathy on my Julz Facebook page. Please don’t refer to me with a name at all then, that would be better.

I haven’t changed my name legally yet. I’ve been making up excuses. The little needy girl doesn’t want to hurt her adopted mother who named her Kathy. She hates the name Julz so out of respect to her I go by Kathy at the care facility she is at. On legal documents I am still Kathleen and keep thinking what a pain in the ass it would be to change power of attorney, mortgage, my license & passport. The medical world also still knows me as Kathy. Except my new doctor at Dartmouth Hitchcock, Dr. Coburn, found out I preferred Julz and made a special note in my chart for everyone to refer to me as Julz!

A couple years ago I found out in therapy that I was suffering with attachment disorder. I have been afraid that if I wasn’t perfect people would not want me around. This was profound and I finally had answers to why I was who I was for all those years.

This was an extremely hard piece for me to write, but when I said that my blog was going to honest and authentic I meant it. To not explain why and what “Julzie style” is would be a lie and a shame.

This blog is my next step on my journey and I am excited to be sharing it with everyone. So listen up…my name is Julz!!!! Julzie dances to her own drum!