Intimidating…

“All my adult life, I’ve been told by many people that they used to think I was very intimidating before they got to know me. Ok, then. No one has explained what was so intimidating about me.”Well, I don’t know, you’re just intimidating.” 

It happened two or three times in the last year. It happens at least once a year, catching me off guard. I always tried to figure out what I did, looked like, or said to make me intimating.

A new person in our small group of friends shared this with me about their son months after meeting him. I asked how their son was doing. Instead of answering me, they told me their son thought I was “scary and intimidating” when he met me. I told them this shocked me, and they said, “Well, he was.”

What the fuck? To say I was mad and sad is an understatement. First off, why would someone in my friends’ group say that to me? Why? To hurt me? I didn’t understand.

Well, they got their wish because I was hurt. I thought back to when I met this person’s son. It was Thanksgiving evening; we went to a friend’s place after dinner for a nightcap.

When I was introduced to this person’s son, I was in a great mood, drinking wine, laughing, and telling stories with everyone in the room. I went home thinking what a fun night and what a lovely young man this person’s son was. 

After being in their company several times afterward, their son and I got along great since both of us loved to cook. I never mentioned his parent’s words about him, but I wanted to. I left it alone, but I had trouble letting it go.

While sipping my tea this morning, I opened my Facebook newsfeed and saw this post on my friend Liz’s page.

The first time I read it, I was like, wow! I reread it a few times and said out loud,” Well, I’ll be damned! That’s it!” 

“It’s not me; it’s them!” Well, for fucks sake, I wish I had known this years ago. I would have saved time thinking about what I said or did.

Since I was a young girl, I’ve always been a leader. I was picked as cheerleading captain every year except as an underclassman on the varsity cheering squad. After that, I was captain again through my senior year. 

A girl I cheered with since the third grade told me a few years ago when we ran into each other she asked our coach why she didn’t ever make captain. 

I was uncomfortable as hell when she started telling me this story. I apologized to her and said I didn’t know you were upset or wanted to be captain. I just always got chosen.

She and our coach’s families were friends; she couldn’t understand why Mrs. Rossi always picked me. As an adult, she asked why she was never chosen captain. Mrs. Rossi said, “She’s not better than you; she’s a natural-born leader.” She told me as an adult, she could see what Mrs. Rossi meant and now agrees with her.

I thought about what she said; I am still a leader at belly dance and a business owner with Marty. My creation started the business, which I am still proud of. I had the confidence to know we had a product winner and would not fail.

I am an honest and assertive person, as that post said. I am confident without being obnoxious. I am a fun person, which people can tell after they get to know me for five minutes.

I walk with a purpose with excellent posture. Whenever I am in a store, people always ask me questions or directions about the store. If I know the answer, I will tell them. I tell them I don’t work here if I don’t know. They always seem surprised. 

I asked one man why he thought I worked there; he replied, “Because you have a useful look about you.” I smiled and thanked him. That was a big compliment to me and made a lot of sense.

Reading this Facebook post this morning eliminated all those unanswered questions about why some people found me intimidating. It’s not about me, it’s about them, and you know what? I can now see in each person who said it to me why they felt that way.

I no longer have to feel apologetic; I can take it for what it is and who it comes from. I can move on, with them or without them.

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