A mother’s joy…

Part of my heart is completely shattered after losing my sweet boy Otto last Friday, but another part is so full of joy and happiness. Thank goodness the two are balancing each other out to keep me centered.

At this point in time, as a mother, I am delighted that both of my sons, Noah and Sam, are moving on with new chapters of their lives. Noah met a wonderful young woman named Aja, who is beautiful inside and out. We had them over for dinner the other night, and I don’t think I ever saw Noah happier.

It was a fun evening spent talking while sipping red wine, eating, making each other laugh, and getting to know each other better. We are learning to know Noah as an adult, and he is learning to know us as adults, not just his parents.

When they left, I had such a happy heart. I told Marty that our evening together was better than any gift I could’ve received. Noah and Aja seem like a great match, and we like her very much! 🙂

The two of them are headed by train to NYC on Sunday, Noah’s birthday, to see the tree at Rockefeller Center and to experience NYC during the hustle and bustle of Christmas time. They are going to see the Rockettes and are staying right in the heart of Times Square.

Even when we booked this trip with Noah, I was so excited for him! We talked about their trip when they were here, and I told them I was as thrilled and psyched as if I were going!

There is no place like NYC at Christmas time with all the shop windows displays and excitement in the air. Noah having Aja to experience with makes me so happy. I am sure they will have a fun and memorable time.

At the same time, Sam is moving to Essex Junction, VT, to work in the ER at UVM Medical Center. He has a beautiful place to live and is close to many outdoor activities, bars, restaurants, and other new places. There will also be more people and things to do.

I am going to his new place with him on Saturday morning to help him move the rest of his stuff into his townhouse. We have to clean and organize. He has to pick up a few things at a couple of stores then we get to the fun part, the decor!

He and I have so much fun together whenever we do projects and die of laughter. I am looking forward to spending some time, just the two of us, before he leaves for good.

The thought of his new challenging job and a fantastic place for a young guy to live makes me smile. I am genuinely as excited for him as if I were moving up there. This job is the next step in his career, and he will learn and see so much, things he would never experience at his current position, although he will miss his coworkers a lot.

Growing up and even in adulthood, I never once heard my mother tell me, “I am happy or excited for you.” I don’t think she was ever truly happy for anyone. She would find negative things to say when something wonderful happened to her friends or coworkers.

The best example I can give is our wedding day. My mother spent the entire wedding day hysterically crying. Maybe she couldn’t bear to have me in the spotlight. She was, however, highly successful in drawing the attention of all of the guests at the wedding. Meryll Streep has nothing on Eileen’s acting skills, even in Oscar award-winning films.

Instead of being happy that I married the love of my life and starting a new life with him in Vermont, she only thought about herself. When everyone asked Marty why his mother-in-law was crying, he told everyone she was upset because she was losing her cleaning lady. This was a hysterical answer, but unfortunately, it was the truth. 

We never said “I love you” in our house when I was growing up. When we started saying it in our little family, my mother and father followed suit. I remember wondering why it took them so long to feel comfortable saying it or even thinking of it.

As the kids were growing up, my mother said, “I love you,” frequently to my family and me. After her stroke, she said it all the time. Those words, I love you, were just words. Words with no feeling attached to them or what they meant. (This was not because of the stroke.)

This I know because she handed out “I love you” to people like candy on Halloween. People she didn’t like and complained about behind their backs. It was a manipulative tool.

When the “I love yous” didn’t get her what she wanted or demanded, she could whip up tears quicker than Ralphie in” A Christmas Story” when he broke his glasses.

Sadly, my mother never felt joy in her heart for me, and she couldn’t stop thinking about herself. I’ve learned through meditation that I played a crucial role in her soul’s life lesson in this lifetime. My job was to help her advance in her earth school lessons.

In a mediation journey, a female Spirit Guide explained that I agreed to take that role as a main character before I was born. We all know how that lesson ended.

Thinking about it this way helps me not to take things as personally. It was a pack made before I came here, like a business contract. Thinking about it this way also allows me to take one step closer to forgiving her, but it’s still hard, and I have a long way to go.

Becoming a mother was the best thing I ever did. Was it easy? No. Was it extremely hard at times? Yes. Did I lose myself for a while? Definitely. While parenting our children with Marty, I knew what not to do from my childhood.

I quickly realized those bad memories from my childhood didn’t matter. I was not Eileen; I was me. It wasn’t in my nature to be capable of speaking so meanly to my boys. I would never dream of degrading or emotionally abusing them or using preplanned guilt and manipulation tactics.

I never hit or beat them the way I was or called them names. My name growing up was, “You stupid son of a bitch.” That is 100% true. Nice, right?

Why on earth would a mother do those things? Instead, we raised our boys with rules, manners, love, laughter, respect, and fairness. We were far from perfect, but we did the best job we could do.

I love being their mom and look forward to stepping back and watching them live their lives as they wish.

We are officially empty nesters, and my heart is full of joy. It’s time for the next chapter in Marty and my lives too. ❤️