Author: Julz

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Soon after my encounter with Turtle, I wasn’t expecting to journey again so soon. The veil to the other side gets thinner this time of the year, so it shouldn’t have surprised me.

Lately, after all my years of Shamanic Journeying, I have gone to new places, which frightens me when it happens. 

I was scared shitless when I was led through a dark forest where Wolf was waiting for me. I was even more frightened when he started stalking me. So I ran.

This journey led me to another dark place. I was walking into pitch-black darkness. I was terrified. I wasn’t sure if I was in the middle or the lower world; I didn’t know how I even got there.

I stopped, trying to understand where I was and why. I telepathically heard a voice say, “Take my hand.” Um, no, thank you.

I was frightened to take the hand and didn’t. My mind was racing about what to do. Why wasn’t this a happy journey? Why was I in the place?

I kept hearing over and over, “Trust me, take my hand.” I was afraid to, but then I got the courage to do so. 

As soon as I reached out and grabbed that hand, I was back to the loveseat in our back room. I understood what that journey meant.

In addition to overcoming my worrying and anxiety, I forgot about depression, which I have been battling significantly since my lung issues began. 

When I think I’m climbing out of deep, dark depression, I am shoved back down the rabbit hole. 

The night before this journey, I finally called a dear close friend of mine who moved to Washington state close to five years ago. 

She and I were very close. She was about 15 years older than me and a great source of answers to many questions I had as a woman. 

I never had someone I could confide in before this way. She explained a woman’s middle-life crisis and how I wasn’t alone in things I felt about this and that.

She texted me a few times asking if I was ok. She worried about me since I never posted anything about me on my Facebook page. No news is good news.

She said the stuff I have been sharing on my page is somewhat cryptic, and she was worried. I finally called her back. 

Kaaron is someone I should have called months ago, but answering questions about my lung disease is very depressing to discuss with people. 

That’s when she said, “Give it to me.” I started talking and talking about my physical and mental health issues. Everything just poured out of me.

She knew exactly what to say after she listened to everything I said. Kaaron was my stand-in mother for years since my mother, Eileen, was not that kind of mother or person.

In a very assuring, quiet tone, she said what I’d been waiting for someone who knew me to say. 

I mentioned how I pretended to “get over” my lung disease prognosis and move on. She said, “Sweetheart, you don’t have to get over anything. Why would you think that?”

I told her because it made people close to me feel better, and I knew people were sick of me wanting to talk about it. 

In her best Karron fashion, she said, “Well fuck everybody else. This is not something you get over.” Finally, those magic words filled with love and experience.

I cried and told her I felt like I was swimming in a dark sea alone. She said that’s because I was. She was right, I was.

She told me this was how she felt when her oldest son ended his own life 12 years ago. People thought she should get over it; she swam in her own dark sea alone.

I thanked her and told her I wanted to keep in touch because I missed her; she made me feel better about how I was handling my situation and to honor my feelings and not everyone else’s.

I am crying while writing this because that phone call meant so much to me. I am so grateful to have her in my life, even if she is across the country from me.

After I hung up, Marty asked if I was ok. I told him precisely what Kaaron told me. She was the only one who said what I’d been desperately waiting to hear. 

The next day, I had that metaphoric journey. It took me a while to realize that the voice that told me to take their hand and to trust them was either Jesus or God. It freaked me out.

I still feel like I am still swimming in a dark sea alone, but I know a hand is always ready to grab mine when needed. 

Talk about fucked up, right? I haven’t shared this with anyone because it’s weird to casually mention this type of shit without people thinking I am totally off my nut.

On my blog, I promised myself and my readers to be honest, genuine, and authentic, which is not easy. I feel like these journeys are necessary to honor and talk about.

These posts are difficult to write and even harder when I lose readers because of them.

I never said this journey would be easy, but I seem to be progressing slowly and steadily regarding a fraction of my life’s lessons.

Thanks for reading and even more for sticking around. 🖤

My crystal and gemstone turtle collection.
They were freshly charged during the full moon.

I must be a slow learner regarding my path on this journey in this lifetime. My spirit guides and power animals are probably sick and tired of trying to get this lesson across. 

I have different power animals for different lessons. Sometimes, they all try to get the same lesson through my thick head. Like this one.

Turtle is my primary or constant power animal. In my “letting go of worrying” lesson, Hawk and Wolf recently tried. I understood what they were saying, but being able to let go of my constant worrying is something else.

A few years ago, I learned about giving your worries to God or the universe. I’ve posted that at bedtime when my worries flood my mind, I would tie a balloon string to each of them and watch them float away. 

While this has helped a lot over the last ten years, I now find myself back to giving away each of my worries a few times a day. I thought I had this; it turns out I don’t. I was a bundle of anxiety that was getting out of control again.

It took a visit with Turtle on Thursday afternoon while I was meditating to learn another piece of this lesson. I always thought I had Turtle as a spirit animal because I was always fast and on the go. This was true, or so I thought.

What I learned the other day wasn’t about how physically fast I was but how fast my thoughts and worries were. Hmmm? 🤔

Turtle is always gentle and friendly with me. He may not look like a creature giving you the warm fuzzies, but his personality does. Then this happened.

Turtle sternly told me I was NOT living in the now, even though I thought I did sometimes. Not at all. I must say to you, I was surprised by his frankness; Hawk must be rubbing off on him.

I asked him why in a defensive way. It’s what I do when I know I will be proved wrong. He was more than ready to do so. My ears were wide open for this lesson.

He started by saying I’ve come a long way in this life experience, but I still didn’t have the not worrying thing down yet, by any stretch of the imagination. OK, now what?

He said in a now gentle voice, “By giving away your worries one by one, you aren’t able to live in the now.” It started to make sense at that point. Listing off my worries numerous times of the day was the opposite of living in the now.

He continued by telling me my worries are about past and future things that I fear. We all do that, don’t we, even if we don’t talk about it?

To live in the now, I need to give whatever worry I have at that very moment. For example, in the waiting room of a doctor’s office, I can give away my concern about the appointment and the outcome, not all week or month like I was doing.

This made perfect sense to me now. A lightbulb went off in my head; Turtle was correct on all levels! I’ve been able to convert to this more straightforward than I imagined. Here is what is working for me.

I can wish myself and my family to be safe and get a good night’s sleep at bedtime. Period. Nothing else. I can disregard any other thoughts by saying to myself, no!

This is true during the daytime as well. When worrying thoughts enter my head, I focus on what I am doing at that very moment, like yesterday when I was washing the livingroom windows and window treatments.

These two stared at me most of the time I was cleaning. 😂

I focused on how clean the windows were and how fresh and clean the curtains smelled. While prepping and cooking dinner last night, I focused on the knifework, smell, and taste. I didn’t let any negative thoughts take up any head space.

If you are a worrier like me, this may be something for you, or everyone, to take a hard look at. It takes a lot of training, but I am slowly getting it. I am saying no often, but it’s getting easier.

I know I may not be ready for another lesson until I learn this one. I feel less anxious and calmer by practicing this new way of thinking. I can do this, especially for my health’s sake.

Of course, you can plan, make reservations, and have an agenda or goals for yourself in the future; you just aren’t worrying about it all week or month. This is a massive thing for me; whenever I added something to my planner, I started worrying about it.

I hope this is something for you worriers to think about and try. It is truly working for me. I know that another part of my spiritual journey is to teach people what I learn and share it with them.

Thank you, my sweet Turtle friend! 💚

I am trying my hardest to give away all my worries to God or the universe if that’s what you believe in.

Giving my worries away frees my mind, and I can live in the moment and be a happier person.

Worrying gets in the way of the Buddhist’s way of thinking: to live in the moment. Easier said than done.

I know I can say, “I give all my worries away,” but listing them one by one helps me let each one go, like balloons.

One day, I reached enlightenment when I was nine years old. This was just before my world turned upside down when my mother turned on me.

I may have told this story before, but I’ll tell it again. I was sitting in religion class at my Catholic school. It was in the afternoon, and it was raining outside.

Our third-grade desks formed a letter U with Sister Cornelia’s desk in the opening of the U. I remember every detail down to who I was sitting next to.

Sister was droning on about something and loving God. I focused on the word love in my head. I had a gentle gaze.

That’s when I felt it. During that moment, I was all-knowing of everything, and I felt so much love. It was the most incredible feeling I’ve ever experienced.

People strive for enlightenment their whole lives. I was an innocent child without a worry in the world and came upon it without trying.

When I returned to reality, I had no idea how long that feeling of enlightenment lasted.

I never told a soul about my experience until exploring my spiritual gifts a few years ago.

So now about the wolf piece of this post, I don’t get to pick and choose when I can journey; most times, I can’t.

Whenever I do get to journey, it’s usually to the lower world, and there is always a power animal waiting for me to give me a message.

The message is always right. Different animals have different messages. My main lifetime power animal is still turtle.

On Tuesday afternoon, while meditating, I saw that familiar portal to the other worlds. Even in non-ordinary time, I get excited every time it happens.

It took me to a different place in the lower world, a place I had never been before, or so I thought.

A powerful force pulled me to a path heading into a dark and scary forest. Even in journeys, I was like, “Oh shit, shit, shit.” I knew what I was in for.

I walked further into the forest; it kept getting darker. I stopped suddenly because I felt something staring at me.

I was afraid to look to my left, but I did. I saw a pair of eyes squinting at me. I didn’t move until the animal began stalking me.

It was a wolf, and I started running as fast as possible. He was right on my heels until I came to a break in the forest.

I knew this place. The wolf walked ahead of me and sat down next to a rock. A rock I sat on in another life.

I like looked out at the large lake which was very peaceful, and I knew it was loaded with fish. I sat beside the wolf and asked, “So what’s up?”

His face was gentle now, but he said nothing except I am here as a message, and with that, I was back in ordinary time.

The funny thing about me having Wolf as my power animal is I’ve always resonated with wolves and the moon.

I’ve had a strong urge to howl at the moon for as long as I can remember. When I do howl at a full moon, I’m almost always alone but have howled with other crazy people.

I’ve told many people I feel like a werewolf during the full moon, getting so hyped up and not being able to sleep before and after the full moon.

I love to stare at the moon in all its phases, it’s so beautiful.

Back to my journey, I am always bewildered by a journey until I do some investigating. I looked up, having a wolf for a power animal.

I read through what it said quickly; then it came to wanting freedom. At first, I didn’t understand.

I read another site’s meaning of wolf energy, and that’s when I got the message that was right on the money.

I want freedom from worrying about money, finances, our business, my sons, my health, and Marty’s.

Will I ever reap any harvest in this lifetime or continue to work like a dog for the rest of my life?

I want freedom to take time for myself and time with Marty. Then I got back to thinking about the Buddhist monks reaching or trying to reach enlightenment.

Buddhist monks have very little to no worries. They have a free place to live and healthy food to eat. They don’t punch a clock but do chores around the monastery.

They aren’t judged or put down for their work. They don’t have anyone else to be responsible for.

They don’t have bills, a government, and a healthcare system.

They don’t live in fear of war or have inflation, which is a huge problem for so many people right now, us included.

They aren’t living in a shit show of a world like we are.

They have themselves, yet at nine, I achieved what they have dedicated their lives to.

My message from Wolf is a powerful one that made me stop and think. I’m still figuring out how to use his message daily.

If you haven’t read my blog posts about “my gifts” and are interested in what I am talking about, you can go to the search area and type in my gifts.

Thanks again for being on my journey with me. Happy Friday, guys.