Coming forward…

Above is a photo of me with my long thick hair. People who I knew well and not so well would ask me if it was real and could they touch it.

It was women who asked to touch my hair and would tell me how amazing my hair was. Then, it happened.

Last year, after a horrific year of sickness and breathing issues, it wasn’t until the end of July that the lung disease I was diagnosed with was not pulmonary fibrosis which would kill me in less than 3-5 years.

I had a nervous breakdown in March when I was first diagnosed with lung disease.

While I was waiting three months to see a specialist at Dartmouth Hitchcock I was frightened and very stressed out.

The stress and thoughts running through my head made me become weak and fragile. The smoke from the Canadian wildfires didn’t help.

I didn’t want my family to watch me suffocate to death. I thought about getting it over with and sparing them a slow death.

Finally after seeing the Dartmouth pulmonologist and finding out this type of lung disease wasn’t deadly, I relaxed.

Then my hair started falling out at the end of August.

In the months following until January of this year, my hair came out at an astonishing rate.

Every day when I brushed my hair I would have brush fulls of hair come out.

After I washed my hair combs full of hair came out then more when I dried it.

I could pull literally handfuls of hair out of my head. It was very scary. I cried a lot as I put handfuls of hair in the bathroom garbage.

I felt like I was Samson losing all my power as I was trying to adjust to my new health issues.

I was afraid of losing all my hair out of vanity I guess. My hair was my thing. My one last good thing.

As we age skin loosens and things sag. Every day is like opening a fortune cookie; today you will get age spots on your face. Oh look, varicose veins.

If you are older than 45 you know what I am talking about. Different pains, more grunts and groans. Losing the figure you once had.

No one really prepares you for old age, not that I consider myself old. I am older. lol.

Nothing prepared me for my hair falling out of my fucking head. Luckily, it fell out all over my head and not in clumps like alopecia.

I began looking at wigs and hair extensions. As soon as I googled wigs, all of my newsfeeds were full of women’s hair loss.

Some women’s hair falls out like patterned baldness on top of their heads. I watched many reels of children, teens, men, and women with alopecia getting their first real hair wigs.

Wigs have come a long way since my Nana and Aunt Claire wore them.They look so real and they don’t come off.

I watched a young wig specialist who has alopecia herself dive into a pool and her wig which was made of human hair stayed put and looked like real wet hair.

This changes the lives of people with alopecia. There are also easy-to-apply eyebrows for children and men to apply. Women can draw them on.

The eyebrows look so real. When young teens see themselves with real hair and eyebrows they wept tears of joy. Boys and girls alike.

My hair loss slowed down by the end of January then over the next couple of months went back to a regular amount of hairs we all lose every day about 100 they say.

I did try a synthetic hair extensions that looked good but was such a pain in the ass to put on and it was very uncomfortable.

I knew I would never be able to wear anything on my head in the warm weather since I sweat like a pig from my head.

That’s when I decided to cut my now stringy long hair that was holding on for dear life.

With a little help from Marty I gave myself a blunt cut just past my shoulders. I plan to keep this length while all the hairs are growing back in.

Some hair is already two inches long. I can feel in top of my head how thick it’s growing back. Thank goodness.

Stress is a killer. I knew I was stress out having panic and anxiety attacks constantly last year, but I didn’t know I was stressed that bad.

It’s taken me a while to get up the courage to write about my hair loss. My hair still looks ok just thin.

The photo that I took tonight is very hard for me to post. I am exhausted after today’s production and look horrible.

I can tell from my expression that I am uneasy with a forced smile and my body language is stiff.

I can also tell that when I feel like I look good I tilt my head which isn’t the case in tonight’s photo.

So that is my hair loss story. A hard tale to tell but I did it.

I am finally realizing my power was not in my hair but was in me all along.

Gulp, I’m hitting publish now. 😕