Drained…

I got my second Moderna vaccine yesterday, and I expected to feel as relieved and thrilled as when I got the first one. Even when the woman standing behind the wheelie cart, which looked like an airline attendant handing out Bloody Marys, said, “Congratulations on getting your life back!” I didn’t smile or even say thank you.

Six weeks ago, I had some serious vaccine envy as I watched not only older people but people my age or younger getting vaccinated. I kept thinking, when the fuck is it going to be my turn? I have high risks wtf? I was chomping at the bit, feeling pretty selfish.

I held my breath when Marty and I signed me up and felt so grateful I actually had an appointment. I started doing the math to when I would get my life back and did a happy dance. 

As I sat there yesterday, waiting for the 15 minutes to be up to make sure I was ok, staring at the clock and couldn’t wait to leave. When we left for my appointment, I left with my head in my ass, making sure that I had my covid vaccine card. I kept checking to make sure it was in my wallet and that I didn’t lose it; I get like this with airline tickets and my passport. I know, I know…OCD. 

I was so focused on the vaccination card that I left my cell phone on the kitchen counter. I realized it halfway to Bennington, and it annoyed the ever-living crap out of me. How could I leave my phone at home? What if I needed it! A million what-ifs ran through my head. I didn’t give a rat’s ass about taking a selfie like I did the first time. What was wrong with me? 

Maybe, I felt different because instead of the person giving me my vaccine telling me my arm will be sore later, she rattled off a list of things I should expect and what to do. As more and more people are vaccinated, they have more information to share, which is good, of course. 

Maybe, I was more worried this time from all the headaches I had for 3 weeks following my injection with elevated blood pressure. We don’t even know if they were caused by the vaccine because there is no data yet. 

Maybe, my mind and body were just so tired from all the stress that Covid-19 has caused us all that my emotions shut down and just collapsed. I don’t know…

Maybe, thinking non-stop about myself or my family and friends getting the virus, watching in horror how many people lost their lives and family members, worrying about the long-term side effects of having covid or the vaccines. I also worried that we wouldn’t have a business after all of it is over. Praying that this would really be over.

I got my injection at 3 pm, and by 6:15 pm, I was so tired I needed to lay down. I was in bed by 7:30 pm. I kept dozing on and off until finally falling asleep around 11:30 pm. 

I woke up this morning exhausted with a sore arm; there is no safe way to work in the production kitchen feeling like this. I’ll take everyone’s advice and get some rest and stay hydrated. When I got out of bed, I was relieved that I didn’t wake up with a headache like last time or fever, chills, or flu-like symptoms. Thank goodness! Yay! 

I am truly grateful that I/we are getting vaccinated and getting our lives back. The stress and anticipation of it all left me feeling completely drained as if I got dragged behind a truck that I didn’t see coming; I thought I’d be doing a jig or cartwheels. Either way, hopefully, this is the end of this horrific nightmare, and we can all finally wake up and get on with our lives. 

I am sharing my raw emotions with you….wide open and real, hoping that if anyone else feels like I did yesterday, you won’t feel alone, ungrateful, weird, or embarrassed to talk about it. Everyone reacts to situations differently, just like the virus and vaccine itself. I’m heading to the couch to rest on this much-needed rainy day.