Tales from the Unlikely Homesteader 1…

I’m starting a series on my journey as a gardener. I hope you enjoy it.

The early years…

My parents and all of their families grew up in Peterstown, the Italian section in the city of Elizabeth, NJ.

We lived in a neighborhood close to Peterstown but spent most of time in the Italian section visiting family.

Elizabeth was dangerous in the mid-70s so my parents moved us out to the suburban town of Iselin about 20 minutes away.

My mother and I had to dodge bullets one day in Elizabeth walking to a warehouse store called Daffy Dan’s.

We saw police cars slamming on their breaks everywhere and one of the cops shouted, “Everybody down!”

We threw ourselves onto our stomachs and hid our faces. We stayed that way for several minutes.

Bullets flew everywhere until the bad guy was shot. I don’t have any idea if he survived or not.

We didn’t stick around to see if he died although it wouldn’t have been something new to me. It happened another time.

A man was killed drive-by style by the mob a few houses down from Mema’s house. The guy was deader than a door nail.

Everyone sat on their stoops as we watched a sheet placed over the body while the police we on scene for hours.

When they were finally done a hurst pulled and put the dead guy into a body bag.

Next, they put the bag on a stretcher which they wheeled over to the hurst and slide it inside and drove off.

Back to the Daddy Dan’s shopping trip, after my mother and I got the ok to stand up and resume where we were going this happened.

The first thing my mother did was point her finger in my face and said, “Don’t ever tell your father about this or we will never be allowed to go to Daffy Dan’s again!”

Ah, sweet childhood memories. I got my favorite powder blue Andy Gibb t-shirt at Daffy Dan’s. I loved the smell in there!

The closest I ever got to nature, plants, and animals was the zoo which was know as the terrifying goat disaster, or a park. No one in my family was a gardener.

The only thing I knew about gardens was from the old-world Italians in Peterstown.

I loved seeing the grapevines growing in between skinny alleyways.

The photo at the top was the grapevine in between my great grandma’s house.

The old school Italian had tall tomato plants and other things that grew in their pocket sized gardens.

I tried my hand at gardening when our boys Noah and Sam were young. I have to admit I wasn’t very good at it and kind of hated it.

I hated the weeds, bugs, sweating, not knowing what to do with the produce that did grow. It was overwhelming.

I had the romantic idea of gardening such as a creating a world culinary garden which I have to admit is still a brilliant idea.

I planted herbs and veggies together in sections such as Italian (how could I not), Mexican, and Asian.

I was mildly successful but since the internet wasn’t invented yet, I had no clue what in the fuck I was doing.

Now, through a lot of research I know why I succeeded and failed.

One thing for certain, while I was in love with the idea, I didn’t have any love for my gardens or gardening.

It was too much extra work trying to raise two young boys. Thank goodness for wine was motto back then.

Marty worked two jobs so I could be a stay at home mom and was involved in the rescue squad a lot so I was solo most of the time.

The garden also took time away from the boys who would have rather gone swimming anywhere else for that matter.

Neither of our boys were easy, go-with-the-flow types of kids. What one loved the other one hated. They bickered and fought all the time.

One of them gave me a hard time with everything. This is as when I should have realized I would never make everyone happy. Ever.

I continued to try until just a few short years ago. This also included my mother and mother-in-law both of whom were impossible to deal with.

What a waste of time and energy! If I only knew then what I know now!

As far as gardening went Noah had zero interest in the garden or eating any fruits and vegetables.

The theory of involving your kids and they will try it is a load of bullshit.

I took him blueberry picking for a fun activity and to encourage him to try different fruits.

He kept throwing himself on the ground in the parking lot in front of cars until he dislocated his elbow trying to get away.

That resulted in an emergency trip from Arlington to our pediatricians office in Rutland and hour away.

We walked in, they were waiting for us, the doctor popped it back in and we headed back to Arlington.

He didn’t learn his lesson from that stunt he pulled, but I did.

Whenever he threw himself down or pulled to get away I let go of his hand and let him fall to the floor.

This resulted in me scooping him up immediately and putting him in the car and we left everywhere we went.

Back to gardening and vegetables, I could have chased Noah around with anything I grew. He was so stubborn it was very disappointing.

Sam was different in that respect and liked the garden and loved eating sugar snap peas right off the vines.

He was devastated one year when a fucking groundhog beat him to it. He cried real tears for two days.

We replanted the peas and I read in a gardening book at the library to pour human urine around the perimeter of your garden areas.

Suddenly, Noah loved gardening! He yanked down his shorts and began walking around the perimeter peeing while he walked.

Sam who is a very private person took a can and went behind the barn and peed in it.

He careful poured the pee in areas where Noah missed. Meanwhile, Noah announced this was the greatest day ever! Lol.

Sam wore his black rain boots, which he had in every size until he grew out of children’s sizes, so he wouldn’t step in pee.

Oh, how those boots stank. Noah would whine about it every time we got in the car when he had them on.

Finally, got some Dr. Schol’s foot and shoe spray and fixed that after I couldn’t take it anymore.

This scenario describes Noah and Sammy when they were little to the point of it being scary.

Marty saw the snap pea-eating woodchuck in the yard at dusk and shot it with a 22.

The woodchuck got the last laugh since it crawled under the barn’s workshop and died.

Marty’s workshop stunk for months after that incident. I was upset he shot the woodchuck in the first place.

Noah sided with me and Sam sided with Marty. Our family in a nutshell.

To be continued…