Everyone grieves in their own way, and now I know the emotions you experience can vary depending upon who you’ve lost and your relationship with the deceased.
The sad, sorrowful grieving over my mother began when she had her stroke eight years ago. I grieved more when I had to close up her apartment that she wouldn’t be able to return to. The phone call I received last Sunday afternoon had me grieving once more after the nurse called to tell me she was dying.
The days leading up to her death left me in a puddle of tears, full of sadness. The moment after I walked into her room and found her dead, I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.
When my father passed away 21 years, Marty and I made a promise to him when he was dying; we would look after and take care of my mother the best we could…we kept our promise to him no matter how difficult it was.
The sense of relief I felt after her passing was liberating, and I felt free from such a huge responsibility which was an enormous task over the years.
The sense of relief only lasted a few hours when my grief turned to anger. I couldn’t get out of my head all the terrible, mean, and rotten things I was put through for 50 years.
Thursday, l woke up angry and pissed off with all kinds of bad thoughts racing around my head and in my heart. I knew I couldn’t sit around feeling this way, especially with Marty’s severe back he was dealing with.
The group of friends that our friend Martin took to the Patty Griffin show last weekend made a plan to get together for three days to help whip Martin’s home, which has been under construction for two years into shape, for the celebration of life next Saturday for his wife, Eileen who passed away in March 2020.
Martin’s house is gigantic, with every room and the outside property needing to be addressed. Room by room and floor by floor was cleaned, organized, and staged for a house full of people.
The crew of us worked our asses off, having so much fun at the same time. There was music playing, lots of laughing & giggling going on while the house was slowly being transformed.
Five o’clock signaled happy hour even though we all kept keep working. Wine was poured, and cocktails made. Delicious, simple, family-style meals were prepared. Everyone fell into their beds each night after a hard day of work.
Martin’s niece Mousey and I hit it off the first time we met a couple of years ago and quickly became Lucy & Ethel whenever we got together. Mousey and I worked on the house together, laughing so hard at times my face hurt, and we both had tears running down our faces.
We ripped shit apart like he-men and loved it. We decluttered, scrubbed, polished, and hurled trash off the second-floor balcony. We threw a dresser that saw better days drawer by drawer over the balcony’s wall and watched them break apart when they hit the driveway. It felt great to break shit! Talk about a release!
When we got to the dresser itself, it was heavy for us; we got a good hold of it and swung it back and forth, counting to three before hurling it up into the air and seeing it break into pieces. We let out loud caveman-sounding growls then fell on the floor laughing.
Just when my cheeks stopped hurting from laughing, Mousey had a mouse run across her foot, which is a funny statement in itself. She screamed, and I screamed louder with her jumping up on the toilet and me diving onto a random bench in the hall. Martin came up to check on us shaking his head in a “those silly kids” fashion.
In the middle of all of this, Marty’s back pain got worse and worse. He finally decided to let me take him to the ER Friday afternoon. Marty is prone to kidney stones which we needed to rule out.
The best news was when he found out he didn’t have any kidney stones but a massive muscle spasm. A shot of lidocaine was injected into the muscle along with the knowledge of where the pain was coming from provided physical and mental relief.
I needed these last few days more than I knew by helping a friend with other friends. I didn’t wallow in my grief; I wasn’t angry and didn’t have time to think. We just kicked ass.
Martin’s place is still far from being done, but the house is coming back to life and getting back to its former glory. Construction projects won’t be finished in their entirety before the event but will be acceptable enough for the gathering on Saturday.
The out-of-state work crew has gone home; Marty and I will help Martin this week as much as we can. Another group is coming Wednesday, helping out with food prep and tying up loose ends.
Martin needed his friend’s help, and I needed to help. I needed to laugh and break shit. I am in a much better frame of mind and ready to let go of those angry thoughts, moving on with my grief, hopefully finding peace soon.