This is me!

Last week I watched a YouTube video from the movie The Greatest Showman. It’s one of my favorite movies, but this video was different. It was a performance before the movie was made. It was like an audition for a bunch of big wigs and producers…trying to get them to pony up and want to back the movie.

The singer Keala Settle was there to sing one of the songs from the show with The Greatest Showman ensemble. She wasn’t auditioning for the movie or the role, even though she ended up with it.

I teared up when I watched the video, which isn’t a surprise because I am a crier when I see emotional movies or commercials. The song and the lyrics ran through my head for a few days. I read the lyrics and listened to the song again. The song is called, “This is me!”

Partial lyrics to “This is me.”

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hideaway, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Runaway, they say
No one’ll love you as you are but I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious when the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

The song made me realize that I needed to accept myself for how I look right now. I was the one in the song tormenting, cutting down, and bruising myself emotionally.

This blog post has taken a while for me to write; it’s about acceptance. I won’t waste my time or yours making up excuses; I’ll get right to the point. I quit working out plain and simple.

Ok, I’ve publicly admitted it; after all my blog is about my life…being honest and authentic. Surely I am not the only 55-year-old woman who feels like I did.

I talked with Kathleen, my dance partner, after I stopped working out a few weeks ago; it felt good to admit to someone close to me that I failed. I told her that I finally let myself off the hook, I gave it my all, but I am done. As I talked with her, I started to accept that this is me right now, like it or not. 

Before I started working out, I used the old crutch why I couldn’t lose weight or get my girlish figure back because of my post-menopausal age. I didn’t want to diet like crazy because it’s not sustainable for me. I didn’t want to risk my GI health with all my intestinal problems by using diet shakes, drinks, teas, coffees, or gummy bears. Again, not sustainable for me.

When I decided to work out in October, I made that decision out of anger and for something to do because I couldn’t belly dance anymore because of covid.

After working out for a couple of weeks, I watched everything that went into my mouth. I tripled my water consumption. I watched how many carbs I consumed and tried to stick with healthy proteins. My portion sizes were small, and I stopped eating the second I felt full, even if it was delicious. 

I worked out 6 days a week weight lifting for 4 days along with cardio and did just cardio for the 2 days I didn’t lift. I pushed myself harder than I ever did when I was younger. In the end, I proved to myself I haven’t lost my strength or my stamina…just my figure.

After 6 months of giving it my all, I didn’t lose one fucking ounce. I didn’t look any different. My clothes didn’t fit any better. I was stressing myself out about it, worrying when I would fit a workout into my now hectic busy days. What would I have to sacrifice to make that time available? 

Finding the time for the gym was easy over the winter and during the pandemic, but after my life, work and activities went back to normal, I was beating myself up for being a quitter. I am not a quitter. 

That brings me to today; I went shopping for new clothes. We were in Saratoga making a delivery when I surprised myself by telling Marty I wanted to go to Old Navy and get myself some new things. I always have luck there, and their clothing runs true to size. He was thrilled because I never want to shop, let alone buy myself new clothes.

As I walked through the store, I looked at everything once, then looped back and chose a few dresses to try on. I told Marty I didn’t want anything black I have a whole closet full of black clothes; I wanted color and patterns. For real! 

When I was still working out, I told myself I would treat myself to new clothes, and I’d buy something other than black. I’ve always liked and worn black clothes, but for the last 7 years, I’ve been hiding behind them to hide the shape that I hated.

I decided today, right in the Wilton Mall parking lot, that this is it, this is how I look. This is me! The song popped into my head, and I asked myself if I would keep hiding or finally accept what I look like right now. Life is too short, dammit; buy some fun, colorful, cute dresses, Julz, and rock the hell out of them. 

Each one I tried on, I said to myself, “Wow, this looks cute, or nice or whatever.” Marty was outside the dressing room, and when I showed him each dress, he said what I said in my head. So guess what? I didn’t think twice, I bought all 5 of them. 

I have so much confidence in everything that I do that it was killing me inside by not accepting what I look like. I realized that getting old is a privilege, and I am aging well; I am in pretty good shape and strong. I stay active between work and dance. I haven’t quit or given up; it’s not “it is what it is.” It’s about acceptance and moving on to focus on more important things in my life.

Look out summer here I come…this is me!